PMS

I'm on my PMS I guess. I'm so messed up. I've been skipping classes for three days. I've been sleeping so late and crying all night. I don't know what happened to me. I'm just so sensitive.

I have this friend, he's a nice guy but he's so fucking annoying. He asks for advices that he never listens to. He keeps on asking but he doesn't wanna change and he thinks he's the right one. I'm just tired telling him what to do. Lately, I get mad easily to everyone, especially him. And after that, I'm like super bad mood, I can't do anything. I don't fee nice to myself. I hate myself for that moment and I feel sorry for it.

I need to talk to someone I guess, but the thing is, I just can't talk with these people around me. Some care, some don't. Some fake, some true. Some laugh when I cry. Some say I'm loser when I cry. I just can't talk to them, so I'd prefer to keep that to myself and hide in my room. I hope I can talk to Dimas, as always. But the thing is, we have this 4 hours gap and it's so hard to talk to him. By the time he finishes uni, he's tired already and he has other things to do. He has Food Explore meetings, he has friend's birthday dinners, he has Xbox to play, he has Running Man to watch and many other thing that I don't know. And by the time he finishes all those things, it's already morning and I'm so tired.

Okay, he gives me time to talk, but when I finish talking, he leaves. I know we're no longer in a relationship or whatsoever that I can't tell him to do this and that anymore. I'm just so fucked up and I don't know where to talk. I don't know where to run. He came and he went. He came again when I started to leave. I'm like, what should I do now. I really miss those warmth and laughter that we shared, but he can suddenly go away nowhere that I can't find him. And he'l be back soon when I'm about to leave.

I've been thinking that maybe I should give up on Dimas. I should have given him up long time ago but I, myself, who start to fight for him again. I should have known that it would never work out. We will never be together and if we're together, it just won't last. I should have known that and I should have given up. I've been dreaming for these whole months. I've been closing my eyes, closing my ears. I should have listened to what everybody says. Sometimes we can't always get what we want.


It's just so hard for me to move on now. I don't know what he feels right now, I wish I know. I wish he knows what I feel.

I miss you, Dimas. I really do, but it's just not possible for me to tell you all of this. You'll be mad and I'll be doomed.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.

Missing Home

I miss home.

It's so different and lonely to be out here alone. I feel like I'm in another planet, having no one to lean on and to stand with. I feel like a stranger that I even don't know myself. I miss mommy, daddy, and especially my beloved little brother, Michael. Those warmth and comfy feeling, those laughs and smiles. I miss to play piano with my brother. I miss the hugs and kisses we shared everyday. I miss the praying time with him, shopping with him, playing with him, holding his small hands.

I miss my friends. They are all nice and they truly love me. I miss how they company me to toilet or buy food, how we spend time on having lunch together, how we always study before exams, how we do group assignments, how they always laugh at my nose, how they bully me all the time, how we surprise each other on everyone's birthday, how we listen to each other's stories, how we always there for each of us, how we love each other and everything we usually do.

I miss all the convenience back home. I have a driver every time I wanna go somewhere. I have my maid to do all the cleanings and tidy up my room. I have my mom to cook the food and it's all nice. I have lots of people to go with, to listen to same music, to go to concert, to go to fine dining and all the common things we share.

It's so different here. I tried, well I've been trying t have a new family here in my new environment. But I get is,  disappointment. I feel everything's so fake. It's just not real. I don't need a real friend here, but I can't deny, I need one, at least, one. Not mentioning anyone, but I feel everyone's so individualistic. They only think about themselves and they just don't really listen to others.

This makes me feel so lonely here.

I miss home.