Hello 2012 :D

HELLO 2012 :D

selamat tahun baru semoga di tahun ini semuanya akan bertambah baik.

here I am, listing of my several targets that i hope it can be achieved during 366 days of 2012 :)

* two HDs and two Ds for my second semester in newcastle

* take diving lesson and get PADI license

* travel somewhere around australia, hope so for the february port stephens and april fiji island (finger crossed)

* work harder and get AUD$ 1000 before going home

* finish well my fasting for 40 days before Easter, no meat at all except Saturday and Sunday

* no more suicidal action

* make a concert for little baby Michael

* kerja praktek di aussie, very merry finger crossed and lulus sidang

* getting my grades back, IPK > 3.50 and IPS > 3.60, no matter what

* no more galau-ing with such unimportant things, for instance, love life

* maintain body weight, 50 kgs only til the end of the year

these are the list that i can think of, there will be more and more targets i will try to achieve by the time it goes.

once again, goodbye 2011 and hello 2012 :D

xoxo

Review of 2011

after spending almost 365 days on 2011, i have done so many things, starting from the failures, the disappoinments until the blessings and miracles :) tahun ini berat banget buat gue, berat banget. kalo boleh jujur, this is the hardest year, after 2006. banyak sekali kesalahan yang gue buat, banyak banget kekecewaan yang gue terima, banyak banget hal hal yang gue sesalkan, kenapa gue bodoh banget untuk melakukan hal hal macem itu. yet, gue juga menerima banyak sekali miracle selama 365 hari ini, dan i am so thankful for having those blessings :)

JANUARY, tahun ini diawali dengan tawa karena gue baru sampe di Paris, having my christmas and new year holiday with mommy and daddy. bulan ini, gue merasakan bahagia teramat sangat karena gue ketemu sama satu cowo, namanya KMG, well dia bukan pacar gue tapi i was in love with him. dia seseorang yang sangat gue kagumin pada saat itu, mungkin sampai sekarang, karena dia adalah sesosok orang yang sangat dewasa dan bijak menurut gue. tapi di akhir bulan ini, gue mulai menjauh dari dimas, he was my boyfriend back then, kenapa yaa? i thought he was annoying, apa karena KMG?

FEBRUARY, this is the love month! ada hari valentine, gue bahagia banget hari itu, well, i spent the day with genggong, sharing laugh and love, and dimas was there! and at night, dimas surprised me cause it was our 4th monthiversary and we had dinner. then, bulan ini juga michael di syuting sama christine hakim! nanti filmnya mau di bioskopin :) on 21st, it's dimas' bday :) i surprised him and he loved it! what a lovely month :D

MARCH, i went o Java Jazz with bebeb, karin and dhea terus nonton corinne bailey rae. after waiting for several years, finally she came and she sang Breathless, my fav song with dimas :) well, akhir bulan, dimas semakin annoying di mata gue, kenapa ya?

APRIL, ini bulan galau! i am in the middle of my weakness, gue lagi bingung setengah mati apakah gue harus ke aussie atau gaa. aussie is my dream, after dentisty and it's like no one supporting me and i was stucked. bulan ini juga, bulan gue sibuk2nya urusin study tour karena i was the head of it, and, exactly on the 22nd, itu Jumat Agung, gue putus sama dimas. ini hari kehancuran gue tiba.

MAY, sepertinya roda memang lagi berputar di bawah. gue ga bisa bangkit, nilai gue hancur berantakan, gue ga bisa belajar, even dimas masih baik sama gue, tapi hidup gue hancur. gue ngosongin lembar ujian TPP yang bernilai 5sks! LOL, crazy huh? end of this month, gue ada study tour dan karena masalah jealousy yg ditimbulkan dimas ke KMG, i ruined my study tour. i didn't rule well, i didn't have fun, i was a very bad example of a leader. gue bisa2nya loh sakit sesek nafas asma kejang pingsan masuk rumah sakir dua kali! semua orang jagain gue, harusnya gue yang jagain mereka, so stupid huh? so unprofessional.

JUNE, masih bulan galau karena dimas sepertinya main tarik ulur dan hidup gue bener2 brantakan. stiap pagi gue asma dan setiap pagi, gue muntah. this is worse than my 2006. in a month, i will go to australia dan visa gue belom kluar, panic attack!

JULY, dimas menghubungi gue lagi dan mau ketemuan, he even went to the airport. i went to australia accompanied by my mom, on 11th. it was so sad, but thank God, i have boti aileen and genggong :) bakal kangen banget sama michael, pastinya. i arrived in australia and well, it was sucks, i didn't like it, sepi banget dan dimas selalu temenin gue.

AUGUST, dimas' gone but i started to find my life even stiap hari masih nangisin dimas but it's a lot better. uni berjalan lancar, i met new friends: neil, cliff, yahya, nina, lisa, alana, and many others. they are all very nice. gue sibuk belajar dan i found a job! di tempat sushi, even gajinya kecil but i'm happy that i'm working :) ternyata kerja itu susah yaa. well, it's a good month.

SEPTEMBER, hidup gue penuh warna! i get used to it now, i get used to live in that blue gum house with new people, with new environment. get used to the subjects and i got good marks! work went well and got more salary. gue pun ngomong lagi sama dimas, well i texted him first and it ended nicely, we talked a lot. we looked like a couple now. we texted, we skyped, even during sleep :) he told me he loved me and i was so delightful to hear that, that i dumped a guy only for him. well, no one knows what happened on next month right?

OCTOBER, entah dia main tarik ulur atau apa, i don't know but i decided to back off. cinta itu ga harus memiliki dan cinta itu bahagia ketika melihat si yg dicintai bahagia, so yeaa i gave up. he deserves a better life without me, even it hurts. work's good and uni's good. i started to work out, go to the gym and swim with cliff. i have this bestie named Ping :) uni's good and i was close to another guy but well he was just a rebound guy and he knew it :)

NOVEMBER, my birthday is coming! woohoo, i'm 20 now, no more childness, be an adult. bulan ini, gue ujian cuy! untung ga susah2 amat, well thank God i felt better about dimas jadi bisa konsentrasi belajar and i have these friends who support me all the time. thank you, my friends :) i owe you much and i love you. dan bulan ini juga, kitty pulang! i met michael finally super seneng ya ampunn seneng amit amit seneng! bulan ini juga, gue ke uph, ktmu genggong super happy! ketemu boti dan aileen, ketemu dimas. tp kita diem2an dan ga ngomong, even oleh2nya pun gue titipin, but well it's better for us. but it's okay, i'm fine. bulan ini juga, michael menang lomba loh, well not exactly menang, tp dapet penghargaan yang didatengin sama presiden :D proud of you, my baby!

DECEMBER, last month of the year, my last 31 day of 2011. hidup gue membaik even gue sempet kangen bgt sma dimas, smpet found out that dimas had a girl he crushed on, but yeaa i'm okay :) i had a great fun with family in singapore and it really made my days! and and, it's christmas! christmas spirit woohoo, christmas itu adalah the most favorite moment of the year dan gue percaya akan adanya miracle d setiap natal. it may not be a visual thing, but i can feel something. something new and peace on me, yeapp i think i can move on, on dimas. i still love him, no matter what tapi gue uda lebih menerima kenyataan kalo dia dan gue itu sesuatu yang ga mungkin terjadi lagi, sekarang ataupun masa depan. gue juga merasakan miracle on michael, well he's a lot better now. dan filmnya dia uda di publish! smoga akan segera tayang di bioskop, amin.

see, 2011 aren't that bad, huh? walaupun ini tahun kehancuran gue, tahun dimana mungkin roda gue sedang ada di bawah but see, gue bisa kok bangkit and i will prove it, kalo emang gue bisa bikin roda gue naik lagi ke atas. kalo kata Romo Yohanes pas misa natal, it's not the environment that makes you happy, it's you :) Biarawati di Perancis waktu perang jaman dulu aja bisa bisanya loh masih nyanyi and worhsip Jesus, padahal uda mau dibunuh pake pisau apa itu lah yg ada huruf G G nyaa, masa gue yang cuma putus sama pacar nilai brantakan aja langsung mau bunuh diri ga punya semangat hidup? what a shame, christie!

Thank You God, for this 2011, memang banyak hal yg terjadi, i don't wanna remember this as my failure year, yes i want to forget this as my stupidity, but, i will remember this whole year, untuk pelajaran gue, supaya gue ga mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. Thank You Michael, Mommy, and Daddy. Thank You Genggong and my Sanurian besties :)

thank you 2011, it's a great pleasure to know you :)

xoxo

December and Christmas Miracles

it's been a while haven' t been posting anything. There's lots of thing to tell.

first thing first, i am so proud of my brother, Michael Anthony. he got this award from a piano competition and he went to see the president! and the president was very proud of him, i am so so proud of him, the next day, Michael's was all on the news! woohooo :D

second, we went to singapore for a holiday trip :) it was a total fun, the universal studio, the shoppings, and food and the fat of course, i love it! especially how we spend our quality time together, without any internet connections and phones allowed.

third, michael is going to have another concert, hopefully in june or july, please anyone, i need the pray :)

fourth, the movie "Love Me As I Am" about autism children in Indonesia is launched already. One on the cast is michael, not too much about him though but the music background in the whole movie is played by michael :) woohoo

fifth, it's not the last well, cause december hasn't ended. this is more about myself and this is more about the sad than the happy. it's about him. after all of these whole love life story of mine, after all of these months, well, it has been 8 months i have been alone. what i can say is, i miss him and i still do love him. but thee words mean nothing for him, and he won't ever come back. i just knew that he's been very extremely close to this girl. well, i don't know if it's a friend friend feeling or what but they are extremely ga wajar very close. it's even closer than me and neil, well i am not jealous. this is no more jealousy. i am just sad. i don't know what i'm feeling. i don't know what this is. i'm tired of pretending that i'm okay without him while i'm not. i'm tired of tell myself not to cry. i'm tired of wearing these stupid masks!

i REALLY wish, i can go and stay in australia, i have my own new life there. i miss the place where i can be myself, where i can laugh till drop, cry as much as i want, listen to music as loud as it can, and drink until i get drunk! i really miss those feeling when i don't know what to do, then i run to neil's room, cry and call ping and also stil crying and ping will company me drink until i threw up! the next morning, i'll forget everything and i forget about dimas. i just miss him so bad. and i can't do anything, i even can't cry here. holy sh*t, please please someone take me home, to australia, please please. i'm so fucked up here! i need alcohol! arghhhh.

well well, i hope, that this christmas, he can give his heart to the right woman, who can give him happiness just like he always wanted. i'm sorry :( but i will always pray for him and it will never change. i always hope and believe on christmas miracles :) i get so so many christmas miracles this december through michael. it's been a miracle for me, and i hope he will also get his own miracle, whatever it is.

i love you, D :)

Commit Suicide

Seminggu yang lalu ada anak UPH yang loncat dari kondominium entah lantai berapa, dengan tujuan bunuh diri. Hari ini, ada lagi anak UPH yang loncat bunuh diri dari lantai 10 Grand Indonesia, meninggal di depannya lobby East Mall. Very ironic, banyak dari temen2 gue yang kenal sama dia. I don't even know why.

Gue gamau tau apa alasan orang orang itu bunuh diri, tapi yang pasti gue mengerti sekali kenapa mereka bisa punya niat untuk bunuh diri dengan alasan apapun. Gue pernah ada di posisi orang orang itu, gue juga uda berusaha mati2an untuk Suicide, tp mgkn bedanya Tuhan masih pengen gue sadar dan mempelajari kesalahan gue.

Gue cuma mau bilang, gue pernah seperti kalian, desperate sama hidup. Gue inget banget, gue mulai kaya org gila sejak gue putus sama seorang mantan gue dan gue hrs meninggalkan les piano gue yg uda gue rintis dari kecil krn itu. Very long story, tp gue bener2 gamau hidup saat itu, gue coba minum Baygon, bahkan gue baret tangan gue sebanyak2nya. Tapi anehnya gue ga mati mati.

Whatever happened to me, It was my past. Gue tobat dan gue lebih bisa menghargai hidup even kadang masih bisa kumat. Everyone have their own problems. Berat atau engga nya relatif, Yaa apa pun masalahnya sebisa mungkin jangan deh bunuh diri, toh dosanya lu juga yang tanggung. Lu ga terbebas dari masalah lu, lu malah nambahin masalah buat lu sendiri dan orang2 yang lu tinggalin.

People, i just wanna tell you. I do understand, sometimes you just cannot stand it anymore and you wanna give up, but remember! God is here and He has a plan for everything happened in our life. Love yourself, live your life, and God will do the rest!

:)

20th

Today is my birthday, my 20th birthday :) Hari ini gue bertambah satu usia, memasuki kepala dua, memasuki kedewasaan gue dan meninggalkan waktu main main gue. Gue harus bertambah dewasa, dewasa dalam iman, dewasa dalam tindakan tindakan gue, dalam pemikiran dan perasaan gue juga. Sedih loh sebenernya, kaya tanggung jawab, beban hidup lebih berat, tapi yaa that's life. Semakin bertambahnya usia, semakin berat hidup kita, tapi kita juga punya semakin banyak bekal buat menghadapi masalah hidup yang ga ada abisnya :)

Hari ini diawali dengan bbm dari teman teman terbaik gue, dari voice note dan ucapan di facebook. Salah satunya adalah dari dia, orang yg sangat gue harapkan, ternyata dia masih ingat hari ini gue ulang tahun, tapi lucunya, dari semua pesan pesan untuk gue, dia ga mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun, mungkin lupa. Gue nangis, gue sedih, gue tiba tiba keinget apa yang dia lakukan untuk gue tepat setahun yang lalu, sekitar jam yang sama. Dia datang ke rumah gue, di depan kamar gue, tengah malam dari Karawaci, hanya untuk kasih kue, kasih bunga dan buka bagasi mobil yang dihiasi tea candle dengan tulisan I Love You. Kalo gue pikir pikir, dia memang sayang banget sama gue, tapi gue yang dengan sangat bodohnya menyianyiakan dia.

Di hari bahagia gue, gue malah super gloomy, ketiduran sambil nangis dan dengerin lagu emo and ngbrol sama tedjo. Bangun pagi, ada bbrp bbm, facebook greetings dan twitter. Mata gue bengkak dan dada gue sesek. Tapi yaa, kalo kata Dessy, gue harus look forward. Jadi ya gue berusaha move on, kaya ini hari ulang tahun gue, gue harusnya bahagia kok gue malah sedih sih. Gue bangun tidur, beres beres, dan pergi ke Kelapa Gading, melakukan sesuatu urusan dan langsung jemput Michael ke sekolahnya, gue sudah mulai bisa menikmati hari ini, abis itu gue ke Grand Indonesia.

THANK YOU buat Genggong yang uda dateng ke Grand Indonesia, buat celebrate ulang tahun Kitty, padahal abis ujian, padahal masih lagi musim ujian, terus jauh banget lagi dari Karawaci ke GI, macet macet pula belom makan dari pagi, sampe jajan tahu sumedang and gorengan di pinggir jalan, TERIMA KASIH GENGGONG.

Archangela Karina. Gabriella Dhea. Jesslyn Eben. Dessy Wijaya. Gabriella Dhea. Evelyn Sutedja. Marita Tjandra.

I can't thank you enough for surprising me with 5 maquis cake with skittles and chocolate pocky :) I am so thankful to have friends like you. You guys really made my day, thankyou :) Gue yang sebenernya super desperate sama hidup gue, jadi punya semangat hidup lagi karena kalian. Makasih :)

Abis dari GI, gue balik ke rumah, dan ternyata bokap gue beliin gue kue, di rumah uda masak gede2an buat merayakan ulang tahun gue. Seumur umur bokap ga pernah tuh kasih apa apa pas gue birthday, tapi mungkin efek gue ke aussie, dia kangen banget tapi ga bilang, jadi ya begitu, anyway thanks daddy :) Thanks mommy, thanks michael jugaa :)

The thing is, I have a merry little birthday with people who love me surrounds me :D:D:D

Even malam ini, gue mencoba untuk melakukan sesuatu yaitu mengobrol dengan dia, gue mau berusaha look forward dan yauda lah sama yang lalu, karena kalo begini terus, gue cuma semakin membenci dia, gue ga move on, gue stuck. Tapi tenyata setelah ngomong sama dia, sepertinya dia sekarang yang benci gue, tapi gpp sih :) Emang gue nya yang salah, jadi ya gpp, mungkin emang takdir gue ga sejalan sama dia. Kita memang dua orang yang sangat berbeda, dari cara pandang, cara pikir, gaya hidup, agama, standard hidup, jadi yaa gue harus gimana lagi? Kalo ga jodoh mau ngomong apa, gue cuma harus lebih fokus lagi sama hidup gue ke depannya nanti, harus lebih baik lagi, harus lebih dewasa dalam semua semuanya. Thanks, Dimas Prawira Ismail, buat ajarin aku selama 13 bulan lebih ini, mungkin tanpa kamu, aku ga bakal jadi aku yang sekarang. Huge thanks :) semoga kamu cepet cepet punya pacar lagi bahagia juga :D

I'm 20. I'm an adult, no longer a teenager.

I have to change to be a better man.

Thankyou for everyone who takes part of my life :)

Welcome to Jakarta!

gue uda di jakarta, antara senang :) dan sedih :(, antara senang ketemu temen2 lama lagi dan sedih karena ninggalin aussie yang super asik. pulang dari aussie, gue overweight. overweight koper dan overweight berat badan gue yang naik 5kg!

akirnya gue ketemu michael tanggal 23 itu, well he's so happy! so am i :) kaya dia bobo sama gue, makan mandi semua maunya sama gue, mungkin kangen banget kali ya, cicinya ilang 4 bulan gatau kemana, mau dicium gabisa, dipeluk gabisa, suaranya ga ada berhari2, cuma bisa didenger dari skype, gabisa dipegang. yaa memang perasaan anak2 special needs tu lebih peka, lebih touchy.

dan besoknya, gue ke Food Explore 4. ketemu dessy dan karin dan marita pertama. responnya lucu lucu deh hehe, dari dessy yang cuma eh ada kitty sambil ketawa, dari marita yang nepok dari belakang krn gue ga liat dia, terus karina yang bingung super tolol sambil bilang "emang hari ini tgl 4 des?" aaaa kangen botak! haha. terus ketemu cici, yang sambil urusin dagangan makanannya, terus ketem dhea dia depan stage lalu peluk peluk. terus setelah skian lama, tba2 ada eben! duh gila kangennya stengah mati lsg curhat peluk gandengan tangan mau gue nikahin si eben langsung saking kangennya. dan last, ketemu mami valen! asik! kangen bgt langsung jejringkrakan peluk dia super kaget hehe. dan semuanya bilang gue menggendut! haha sial, iya sih, si dhea kesenengan soalnya gue lebih buntet haha.

dan gue bertemu si Dimas. haha kaya i believe awal2 dia pura2 ga liat kata gue peluk2 sama nadia samantha di depan stage, dia lagi urus stage, ga mungkin ga liat tapi yauda, pasti gengsi lah. namanya juga dimas prawira :) kaya terus edwin panggil dimas, tp kaya super awkward mati, kaya dia snyum super awkward, gue juga. terus utk memecahkan suasana, gue blg "muka kamu jerawatan bgt" HAHA super malu sbnrnya gue ngmong gitu, kaya gue gatau mau ngmong apa. kalo gue blg, "spatu kamu baru yaa?" kaya gue tapi aware banget aja sama dia, kaya gamau kliatan aware dan care dong jadi yaa duh super malu loh, trus dia blg dia lg stres trus udah deh.

kaya hmmm, sbnrnya gue sedih sih. kaya gue pgn ngmong lbih banyak, gue kangen bgt. gue pengen peluk dia tapi yaa apa ya? gue harus move on. ga boleh begini lah, tp emg gabisa baik baik lg haha duh gila gue weak bgt yaa? ini aja nulis bgini, gue mau nangis. cuma liat dia aja gue kaya orang gila lagi, gmn nanti gue harus skelas dia lagi nantinya? apa gue harus cari kelas yg ga sama dia yaa? smuanya yang ga sekelas, bodo amat deh. terus, kaya gmn nnti kalo dia punya pcar yaa? gue bisa kaya anak kondo yang loncat dr lantai 8 kemaren kali yaa? :(:(

gue kangen bgt sbnrnya sama aussie, kaya gue kangen hidup gue disana, even baru dua hari gue pulang, tp gue kaya apa yaa? disitu gue ga ada dimas, gue ga kuatir untuk jatuh. i know, cara gue salah, gue lari dari masalah, bukan menyelesaikan masalah itu, tapi :(:( gue gabisa :(

yaa mungkin gue harus keep myself busy all the time aja kali yaa?

Welcome back, Christie :)

14 November 2011

hey! you know what, it should be our 13 months anniversary :D but well i destroyed the relationship almost 7 months ago. i am not sad anymore, i am happy! cause i stop worrying things, and i think i can let my burden go.

today is 14 November, and i texted him happy anniversary, but i didn't feel sad! woohoo! :D:D

it's only 7 more days to celebrating my 7th month freedom!

it's only 9 more days to go home and meet michael!

it's only 10 more days to meet genggong :D

it's only 16 more days to be an adult, to reach my 20th year of my life :)

i can't wait! i am so happy and so excited :D

other hand, i have to leave aussie :( leave my friends here who support me. leave my happy life here :(

but it's okay, i'll be back!



it's 14th November 2011 and I'm happy :)

xoxo :*

I'm Fine

akhirnya setelah sekian lama gue slalu bilang i'll be fine. kali ini gue bisa bilang, i'm fine :) there are such changes towards me after i stop talking to dimas. it was a bad feeling at first but now, i can say i'm happier, i am a lot happier, and i am recovering. semoga ini ga cuma sebentar aja karena gue disini di dukung abis2an sama tmn2 disni, smoga gue jg tetep bisa recover even gue uda di indo dan terpaksa ktmu sama dimas.

well, tapi gue mulai menerapkan ke diri gue sendiri, satu hal yang paling penting. SMILE. smile, not with your lips, but with your heart :) it will make the problems seem to be better and it will make everything easier. it's so hard to stop talking to him, to live my life without him, but i said to myself that i have to smile and i have to be happy. my happiness is not him, i am the one who is responsible for my own happiness.

gue juga mulai bodo amat, ga terlalu mikirin sgala hal. dulu, gue mau clubbing aja, gue inget bgt, dimas blg jangan, gue nurut. gue mau ngbrol sama cowo, gue takut dimas marah. ada tmn gue mau ajak bgini, gue takut dimas ngomel. haha smuanya takut dimas ini, takut dimas itu. now? i don't care. this is my life, he doesn't a single business to say no or whatever. mungkin dia emang ga akan rempong lagi sama hidup gue, krn dia juga happier tanpa gue, tp gue yang terlalu takut untuk move on dan masih berharap untuk dia kembali, dengan mengorbankan kebahagiaan gue. dan karena itu, gue biss lebih lepas, bisa lebih sesuka hati gue, apa pun gue boleh lakuin selama ga merugikan diri gue.

i was so stupid, but now i have change. there are still lots of thing, much more important, than a love word. buka mata, hati, telinga :)

i am very glad that i can say, that i'm fine :)

End Year Dinner :)

hari ini kita end year dinner di Gosford Central Coast Leagues Club, well makananya oke tp gue mah cepet kenyang. tapi bukan makannya, tapi have fun nya yang gue seneng, terutama sama anak2nya Shannon, duh seneng banget aja gitu, kaya ah, ternyata kalo ga terlalu membebankan pikiran, hidup itu lebih indah yaa :) jangan terlalu ambil pusing, have fun and smile, kaya lebih ringan aja langkahnya, semoga ini ga cuma sementara tapi bisa terus terusan kaya gini, hoping so much! :)

Holly and Christie

Dhillon and Christie

Christie - Taya - Yahya

Dhillon and Christie, again :)

• 

  JJ kisses me! Love you :*

Christie and Lisa

I sneeze when Dhillon clicked the button!

Tomato inside Dinasour mouth!

Sophie and Christie

Cliff - Dhillon - Christie - Beers

Dhillon and Christie :)

Why Do You Doubt Me?

kenapa ya orang tua itu terlalu sayang sama anak sampe khawatir terlalu berlebihan? well, i was born in a very warmth family tapi terkadang i am annoyed with this. karena mungkin mereka terlalu sayang sama gue dan terlalu put too much hope on me, sampe dia gamau gue kenapa napa. well, i understand that. but sometimes gue ga ngerti aja kenapa mereka terus doubt sama things yang actually proven?

gue selalu diajarin dari kecil, untuk jangan macem macem, untuk jadi anak rajin, nilai bagus, anak teladan lah. selalu diajarin untuk ga boleh bolos, ga boleh telat ke kelas well smua yang diajarin itu baik. gue jg diajarin untuk ga clubbing, ga mabok, ga jadi party animal. dan well sekarang, hidup gue baik baik saja. gue ga aneh2, seperti apa yang orang tua gue inginkan. tapi semakin gue dewasa, gue semakin merasakan apa sih yang sebenernya gue mau dalam hidup gue.

gue happy dan sangat bahagia dengan keluarga gue, terutama dengan keberadaan Michael, tapi, life is not that perfect. ada aja yang selalu bikin gue bertanya, kenapa sih papa begitu? kenapa sih mama begini? gue akan 20 tahun dlm hitungan hari, well gue rasa gue uda cukup dewasa, untuk at least jaga diri gue dan nentuin apa yang gue mau. mama papa uda biarin gue ngekos, biarin gue ke luar negeri kuliah sendirian, well yaa gue berharap mereka percaya sama gue. tapi apa yaa? gue rasa kekhawatiran mereka terllau besar sehingga akhirnya menimbulkan perdebatan yang besar antara gue dan mereka.

what i wanna say is, gue masih anak baik baik yang ga suka clubbing yang ga macem macem. gue cuma mau pergi clubbing skali sblm gue balik dari aussie, gue uda slesai ujian gue, gue cuma mau have fun seneng seneng, gue pun minta ijin karena gue gamau nyokap gue gatau apa apa tentang gue. tp apa ya, sepertinya dia berat banget untuk kasih gue pergi. i am mature enough, mom, untuk tau kapan gue akan mabok, apa yang harus gue lakukan dan apa yang ga boleh gue lakukan.

gue cape, to be honest. she doesn't know me that much, nyokap gatau sbrp berat gue disini, sbrp berat hidup gue sejak dimas pergi, dan apa yaa, gue cuma mau have fun kok, gue bukan party animal atau apa lah yang aneh aneh. gue masih christie yang sama. but, yaa well lama2 gue cape. i don't wanna give a shit. clubbing salah, minum salah, even diving salah, semuanya salah di mata dia, ini lah itu lah nanti ada hiu makan kamu, kamu mati lah, apa lah, duh banyak banget khawatirnya. mungkin gue akan jadi begitu kalo gue uda jadi orang tua nantinya, who knows? but yeaa, it's annoying.

gue cukup dewasa, untuk tau batasan batasan dalam hidup gue. gue cukup dewasa untuk bertanggung jawab atas kebebasan yang dikasih sama mereka. gue cukup dewasa untuk menentukan apa yang gue mau.

gue cape, gue cape banget. kenapa, setelah 20 tahun, mereka masih meragukan gue? apa gue seburuk itu? apa gue bener2 gabisa seberkembang itu? i am just wondering.

A Thousand Years

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

PMS

I'm on my PMS I guess. I'm so messed up. I've been skipping classes for three days. I've been sleeping so late and crying all night. I don't know what happened to me. I'm just so sensitive.

I have this friend, he's a nice guy but he's so fucking annoying. He asks for advices that he never listens to. He keeps on asking but he doesn't wanna change and he thinks he's the right one. I'm just tired telling him what to do. Lately, I get mad easily to everyone, especially him. And after that, I'm like super bad mood, I can't do anything. I don't fee nice to myself. I hate myself for that moment and I feel sorry for it.

I need to talk to someone I guess, but the thing is, I just can't talk with these people around me. Some care, some don't. Some fake, some true. Some laugh when I cry. Some say I'm loser when I cry. I just can't talk to them, so I'd prefer to keep that to myself and hide in my room. I hope I can talk to Dimas, as always. But the thing is, we have this 4 hours gap and it's so hard to talk to him. By the time he finishes uni, he's tired already and he has other things to do. He has Food Explore meetings, he has friend's birthday dinners, he has Xbox to play, he has Running Man to watch and many other thing that I don't know. And by the time he finishes all those things, it's already morning and I'm so tired.

Okay, he gives me time to talk, but when I finish talking, he leaves. I know we're no longer in a relationship or whatsoever that I can't tell him to do this and that anymore. I'm just so fucked up and I don't know where to talk. I don't know where to run. He came and he went. He came again when I started to leave. I'm like, what should I do now. I really miss those warmth and laughter that we shared, but he can suddenly go away nowhere that I can't find him. And he'l be back soon when I'm about to leave.

I've been thinking that maybe I should give up on Dimas. I should have given him up long time ago but I, myself, who start to fight for him again. I should have known that it would never work out. We will never be together and if we're together, it just won't last. I should have known that and I should have given up. I've been dreaming for these whole months. I've been closing my eyes, closing my ears. I should have listened to what everybody says. Sometimes we can't always get what we want.


It's just so hard for me to move on now. I don't know what he feels right now, I wish I know. I wish he knows what I feel.

I miss you, Dimas. I really do, but it's just not possible for me to tell you all of this. You'll be mad and I'll be doomed.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.

Missing Home

I miss home.

It's so different and lonely to be out here alone. I feel like I'm in another planet, having no one to lean on and to stand with. I feel like a stranger that I even don't know myself. I miss mommy, daddy, and especially my beloved little brother, Michael. Those warmth and comfy feeling, those laughs and smiles. I miss to play piano with my brother. I miss the hugs and kisses we shared everyday. I miss the praying time with him, shopping with him, playing with him, holding his small hands.

I miss my friends. They are all nice and they truly love me. I miss how they company me to toilet or buy food, how we spend time on having lunch together, how we always study before exams, how we do group assignments, how they always laugh at my nose, how they bully me all the time, how we surprise each other on everyone's birthday, how we listen to each other's stories, how we always there for each of us, how we love each other and everything we usually do.

I miss all the convenience back home. I have a driver every time I wanna go somewhere. I have my maid to do all the cleanings and tidy up my room. I have my mom to cook the food and it's all nice. I have lots of people to go with, to listen to same music, to go to concert, to go to fine dining and all the common things we share.

It's so different here. I tried, well I've been trying t have a new family here in my new environment. But I get is,  disappointment. I feel everything's so fake. It's just not real. I don't need a real friend here, but I can't deny, I need one, at least, one. Not mentioning anyone, but I feel everyone's so individualistic. They only think about themselves and they just don't really listen to others.

This makes me feel so lonely here.

I miss home.

Complicated :(

Things are getting complicated right now. Today is the start of October, and i just realized this is the month that we should celebrate our first year anniversary. Well, I'm afraid to face that day actually. I'm still talking to him, after a few months not communicating at all. Last week, he told me how he's still in love with me and how he misses all these memories and feelings but we're not meant together. I don't really know what to say but what I know now that we still love each other, that we still care but we just pretend not to.

He told me he deleted my facebook and skype account and we may not talk again after this. The fact is that we are still talking until now. I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid to fall in love in him again one more time. I'm still in love with him but I just don't want this feeling to grow more and more. I'm so afraid that he'll leave me again and well, I need to fix myself first. I'm not good enough for him and he's not mature enough for me. So I guess it's better for us to look on ourselves first.

I don't wanna lose him, I wanna hold him forever, but I know what I'm doing now is only keeping him on ground, keeping him being dependable to me. I want him to be indepedent and I don't know what to do. It's so complicated.  :(

5 Months

It's been 5 months since the day we broke up. I don't know what you feel about me but I still love you, no matter what. I really miss you, babe, I really wanna hug you, kiss you, hold you. I don't wanna let you go, never gonna let you go. I miss your presence beside me, I miss having dinner with you, counting on the stars, driving with you car, and everything we had done together.

You have changed, little boy. I don't know what actually happened to you. You are so different today. I just wanna cry, I stupidly let you control my life, again, just for the sake of you being nice to me. I don't what you want from this relationship, where do you want to bring this relationship. I think you just need someone to share, that's it, while I'm hoping more.

Well, nothing can change my mind, nothing can change me, but you.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.

I Wish You Were Here

Wish you were here, DP :(
I miss you.

Happy Birthday Timmy!

It's Timmy's Birthday, 1st September. It should be a 7.30pm surprise, we were there, in Wombat Common Room, hiding, while Lisa's calling Tim. We heard some voices, we were ready and Lisa shouted "Tim's not here!" An epic surprise, Tim went to his friend's house and practise soccer. Around 9pm, Time came home and we were ready to have the second surprise, and here we go!

Happy Birthday Timmy!

Lisa Christie Yahya Joy

Timmy!

Polaroid Time :D

I Love You, Always Do

After few months not really in contact, we started to talk again. Only some bbm everyday, some laughs, some stories to share and everything. I don't know, somehow I know that he doesn't want me anymore and somehow I just can't stop loving him. Every time I hear his voice, see his smile, laugh with him, and see his face, I just, miss him so much. I wish I could turn back time, but I know I couldn't. I wanna hold him, I wanna kiss him, I just wanna love him for the rest of my life. I recall these sweet memories in my head and well, he's there. He's still the same guy I was in love with.

Anyway, Happy 11th month Anniversary Used To Be.
ILYSM, DP :)

Love or Guilty?

I broke my promise last night, I texted him. Gue berasa ga tega aja, after apa yang terjadi sama dia. Gua takut dia masih gatau mau cerita sama siapa and everything. Gue takut dia down tapi dia gabisa ungkapin itu sama yang lain. Dia mau cerita sama siapa coba sih? Gue beranikan diri sms dia kemaren and dia bales! Gue seneng banget, akirnya kita bbm-an, but nothing much, cuma ngomongin soal HMTP aja.

Well, tapi gue tau, ternyata selama ini dia menghargak gue. Dia tau gue gamau komunikasi sama gue and everything jd dia ga cari gue. Dia gamau bkin gue galau buat kepentingan dia sendiri, well gue gatau itu bener apa engga. Gue ga berani percaya, gue takut sebenernya itu cuma suatu excuse, yang sbnrnya dia emang uda lupa sama gue, uda ga peduli sama gue, dan lebih seneng kalo gue ga pernah ada buat dia.

Dia semaleman brb brb mulu and gue sih bodo amat, well gue lagi sibuk mikirin ide kampanye and everything buat Dhea. Buat gue, skg urusan Dhea paling pnting. Gue kaya tidur jam 4 pagi, bukan buat dia, tp buat Dhea. And apa yaa? Gue berasa dia kaya bilang tidur itu penting, suru gue tidur, itu juga bukan karena dia care, tapi karena dia kayaa mau suru gue pergi secara halus. Haha, I know this is so negative thought but I really can't believe if he really cares.

He fell asleep last night and he texted me in the morning, saying that I made him remember the things he want to forget about HMTP and he's in bad mood. I was like, what? I'm so pissed off to be honest but I don't have the right to. I'm crying again, the tears keep on falling and I'm desperate, for hundred times. How can I still feel the same after all these months, after what I have done to him, and after what he has done to me?

What should I do now? Tuhan, andai aku bisa move on. Andai aku bisa ngomong sama dia like normal friends, ya mungkin dia blm bisa maafin for all the things I've done. Yeaa I wish he will, someday, and by the time he's okay with it, I should have moved on and lived happily with myself.

How can I love him, this much? Is it love or the guilty feeling?

Congatulations Love :D

CONGRATULATIONS FOR DHEA FIFI AND WATI :D:D you did a great job on the fit and proper interview for HMTP Leader. Hope you can do your best for the campaign and everything, but for this time, I'm with Dhea :)

And I have nothing to say to Dhea actually, she has done a very good job and she's doing another good job for the campaign and the whole HMTP thingy :) i love you, dear :*:*

However, I have something to say for beloved Dimas. I am so proud of you that you finally applied for the HMTP Leader, I mean it. I thought that you'd never try to be a part of this organizational thingy anymore because of the disappointment you had before. I'm so glad you become a mature man. This is the thing. I know that you are eliminated, but you're still a leader. You are a leader of yourself.

This is only just the beginning. Hidup kamu masih panjang. Kamu masih punya banyak kesempatan untuk jadi a good leader. Mungkin sekarang kamu belum bisa, mungkin sekarang kamu belum mampu, tapi kamu akan :) Kamu cuma perlu banyak latihan. Latihan dari niat dulu, but I think you have it already. Kalo uda niat, tingkatin kepercayaan diri kamu. Latihan ngomong depan umum. As a leader in an organization, pasti bakal banyak ngomong depan orang. Rapat, ketemu orang baru, kaya kita harus tau cara ngomong yang baik sopan dan benar itu gimana. Well, aku denger video kamu interview sdikit dan kamu masih terbata-bata, masih umm umm. Mungkin kamu kagok kali yaa, itu kayanya pertanyaan pertama deh. Kamu harus lebih sering latihan lagi, Dim. latihan depan kaca deh, liat muka kamu, liat mimik kamu, atau pake webcam kamu rekam, terus kamu liat nonton denger ulang. It helps, well it helped me during the debate.

Kamu harus lebih tegas lagi, harus lebih bisa decide masalah. Kamu harus bisa sacrifice diri kamu, urusan pribadi kamu, untuk ini. Kaya menurut aku, ini paling penting sih, put your heart into it. Kamu harus mau berkorban setengah mati kaya sampe mau nangis demi organisasi yang kamu ambil. Aku liat Ko Tepan, Ci Adel, Boti, Aileen. Aku kaya, they really put themselves into it. Mereka bener2 kaya orang gila loh, sibuk setengah mati tapi masih aja, demi HMTP. Yaa itu sih, yang aku bilang masih kurang. Aku masih inget semuanya yang kamu lakuin dan ga kamu lakuin buat Study Tour dan yaa aku ga salahin kamu sih, semoga kamu jd tambah dewasa yaa, Dim.

Well, aku denger kamu ga down. Aku gatau, kamu pura2 engga down, atau emang ga down sama skali, kaya coba coba doang. But if you need someone, I'm just a bbm away.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.

I'm Not Ready

Entah apa yang buat gue nulis ini dan entah apa yang buat gue jadi begini. Setelah sebulan di Negeri Kangguru ini, gue sudah menemukan teman-teman baru dan lingkungan baru yang nyaman untuk gue. There is a guy I met in the house and I like him. I can't deny that I do. It's not the feeling of love, but I just like him, especially the way he smiles. Gue selama ini sering ngobrol sama dia, tapi karena keterbatasan bahasa, kadang ga seseru ngobrol sama orang Indo. Yesterday, gue denger dia lagi pergi, on a date. Gue pikir it was a joke, because of some reasons. And this morning, I found out, ternyata anak-anak lain juga tau, kalo he's into someone. Well, bohong kalo gue blg gue ga suka, karena gue brasa nyes aja gitu pas tau he's seeing someone. Di tengah kegalauan gue, dia tiba2 ketok kamar gue dan menanyakan sesuatu hal. I can see that, di rumah ini, dia deket sama gue dibanding sama cewe-cewe lainnya. He can ask the others to help him, but he asked me in the first place. Bikin galau.

Next, there's another guy, Chinese one. I don't know what but he seems very nice. He's too kind actually, dan gue takut dia ada apa-apa. I mean, gue takut dia pikir gue mau sama dia karena gue baik sama dia or anything. Gue cuma takut orang lain salah paham sama apa yang gue lakukan ke mereka, karena once again, I'm not seeing anyone and I'm not looking for relationship, at all. 

Well, I keep on thinking on Dimas all the time. :(:(

I miss him so much and I'm not ready to leave my past, not yet ready.

Galau

Hari ini hari Sabtu. Gue menikmati hari hari gue di Aussie ini, gue uda mulai betah, gue uda mulai punya temen, di kampus dan di rumah. Gue mulai menikmati kesendirian gue disini. Aneh, gue ga kangen sama rumah, sama sekali. Gue seneng ada disini, ya mungkin karena gue baru sebulan disini. Hari ini, gue bangun dan langsung dikejutkan dengan kabar seorang senior gue telah berpulang ke sisi Bapa. Emang sepertinya dia uda koma selama beberapa hari, tapi ah, cepet banget.

Saat itu, yang ada di pikiran gue cuma satu, kenapa Tuhan? Kenapa Tuhan panggil dia secepet ini? Dia masih muda, masih banyak yang bisa dia pelajarin, dia rasain, dia lakuin. Dia baru aja KP, baru pilih dosen pembimbing, dan kenapa dia sekarang uda ga ada? Gue kayanya baru kenal sama dia taon lalu, gara2 gue satu divisi sama dia di Food Explore 3. Orangnya baik banget. Tapi ya itu, setelah gue pikir pikir lagi, kita ga akan pernah tau rencana Tuhan. It's out of the blue. That's why we need to do the best for everything we do in this lifem kita gatau kalo ternyata mungkin besok kita ga akan ada di dunia ini lagi, right? Yaa, buat kita yang masih ada disini, selayaknya bersyukur lah, karena kita masih diberi kesempatan untuk hidup, untuk memperbaiki hidup kita, kesalahan kita, supaya kita layak dan pantes untuk masuk Kerajaan Allah.


That's today topic in the morning. Next, I went to a movie with a friend of mine. Yahya Saleh. He's an Egyptian, from Alexandria and he lives in Qatar. He's 21, third year and he takes Exercise and Sport Science. Dia orang pertama yang jadi temen gue disini dan dia baik. Kalo gue ada kesulitan apa2 disini, dia selalu temenin gue dari dulu sekali, dan skg kita mulai temenan gitu, I mean, temenan like friend-friend, bisa ngobrol ketawa bareng. Dia sekelas sama gue di Research Method and well, gue bangunin dia setiap Jumat terus kita berangkat bareng.

Yahya, hmm dia manis banget, lesung pipitnya itu ga tahan loh. Idungnya mancung lagi, gahul hagul gitu. Kita sering ngobrol, setiap hari sih. Nonton bareng di common room, terus temenin dia masak, nontonin dia main pingpong, terus yaa we do things together, sama anak2 lain juga. Even pas clubbing, kita kaya sering ditinggal berdua gitu, have fun bareng. To be honest, gue takut. Gue takut gue suka sama orang ini. Kaya ini perpaduannya ga bagus bgt, Egypt-Chinese and Catholic-Moslem. Big No.

Hari ini, kita nonton bareng, well, dia kucuk2 dateng ke common room gue, and uda pake kemeja item putih, duh mati melted lah ganteng bgt, and we catched the bus. Kita pergi, dan kita masih harus menunggu setengah jam, so we decided to walk around the shopping centre. Di bioskop juga ya kita nonton doang, ga berbicara sama sekali. Baliknya, kita makan dulu. Gue merasa dia ga suka suka amat sama gue. He keeps complaining about this and that people. Well, emang sih, kaya orang2 ini kadang menyebalkan but apa yaa? He has his own standards, dan yaa we're different. Totally different.

Saat itu juga, gue keinget Dimas Prawira Ismail, mantan pacar gue tersayang. Dimas itu sosok laki laki yang baik banget loh, kalo dipikir-pikir. Awalnya, Dimas itu seseorang yang cuek dan ga peduli sama sekitarnya dan kenallah dia sama gue. Gue ga menyukai banyak hal dari dia (terus kenapa gue bisa suka dia ya awalnya? weird.) and guess what, he changed.  Dia berusaha menjadi orang yang gue mau, menjadi pria idaman gue. He doesn't care what people say, yang dia pikirin itu cuma gue.

Gue masih inget semuanya. Dia yang bisa-bisanya jemput anter gue ke rumah, ke Jatinegara, padahal macet-macet. Dia bisa tiba-tiba beliin gue Bruu, Teddy Bear yang sekarang lagi duduk di pangkuan gue. Dia pergi ke Senayan City diem-diem and beliin itu buat gue karena dia tau gue suka boneka. I am so surprised. Dia bisa mau ajak gue dinner fine dining. Well, gue ga terlalu suka makan fast food or apa lah gitu di food court. Gaya hidup gue mahal, bukan maksud sombong, tapi gue lebih suka makan di tempat yang proper, bukan gabisa loh. Dimas, dengan duit pas-pasan nya, dia mau loh nabung and bawa gue makan ke tempat ini itu. Dia mau temenin gue makan mahal mahal, cobain makanan itu ini, even harus macet-macet dan jauh-jauh, sering dia pula yang bayar.

Dimas juga yang bisa tiba-tiba beliin tiket nonton Rapunzel pas 19th birthday gue. Gue tau, dia ga suka Disney dan sebagainya, tapi dia mau tuh nonton temenin gue dan sama sekali ga pernah mengeluh. Dia bisa temenin gue nonton konser A, konser B, ke Hard Rock Cafe, dan tempat-tempat yang gue mau. Dia mau loh, temenin gue nonton Disney on Ice. Anterin gue kesana, anterin pulang pura, dan apa ya? Itu tiket dia bayar sendiri loh. I mean, dia pasti nagntuk kali nonton gituan, dia bukan gue yang passion nya emang di Disney dan suka anak-anak. Tapi, dia mau.


Dia mau ganti bajunya kalo gue ga suka dia pake baju ini itu, dia mau ga makan sama temen-temennya demi temenin gue makan setiap hari. Dia mau korbanin semuanya buat gue. Semuanya. Tapi, gue dengan sangat bodohnya, gue malah menjauh dari dia dan mendekatkan diri dengan orang lain. HAHA, gue bener-bener berasa bodoh.

Sekarang, gue sangat ragu kalo ada cowo yang bakal sebaik dan sepengertian Dimas. Apa ada orang yang mau ngorbanin dirinya untuk kebahagiaan gue, selain mama papa dan Michael? Yes, there was one, it's Dimas. Gue kangen banget sama Dimas. Dan itu bener-bener kerasa pas gue jalan sama Yahya tadi. Example, pas gue bilang dingin, Dimas biasanya lsg peluk gue, atau usap2 gue. well gue ga berharap Yahya begitu, cuma yaa apa kek ngomong nya, masa dia blg "Masa segini dingin? Baru 15 derajat loh, nanti May June lebih dingin. Stop being a girl, be a man!" Gue kaya apa sih? Dia selalu cembetut kaya underestimate stiap gue blg gue suka Disney, craft, atau apa lah. Dia kaya mencibir apa yang gue suka, gue kaya shit man. Dimas? Dimas bahkan pernah loh mau bantuin gue bkin scrapbook, padahal itu uda putus.

ya Tuhan, andai gue bisa kembali ke masa lalu. Gue mau perbaikin semuanya dan ga sia-sia in Dimas like I did before. Gue mau minta maaf, tapi rasanya mungkin dia juga uda cape denger maaf dari gue. Gue kangen banget sama Dimas. Yaa tapi that was a past. A wonderful memories I had in the past with him. Emang kisah gue sama dia, cuma boleh sampe sebatas kenangan dan pelajaran. Tapi gue cukup bersyukur, Dimas sekarang kelihatan lebih bahagia tanpa gue. Gue mungkin terlalu mengekang dia and everything, yaa memang ini lebih baik untuk dia :) Dan mungkin untuk gue, supaya gue ga berlaku bodoh lagi untuk ke depannya. Arghh, gue sempet optimis gue akan menemukan yang lebih baik dr Dimas, tapi sekarang? Pesimis bukan main. Dimas itu terlalu baik.

Well, it's over now. There's no more Dimas Prawira Ismail. I wish I had a chance to tell you how much I am sorry, how much I miss you, and how much I love you. I wish I had one other chance to, at least, fix things I've broken and put the smile back in your heart.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.

What a weekend with special friends,
Stefanus Lie, Vincensius Lie, Alexandra Alyssa

:):)

Why Oh Why?

I have started my university days in Ourimbah since Monday. At first, I don't understand what the lecturer says but as the time goes by, I do understand and I find it interesting to study here. They have lots of fun projects to do and they do have great laboratories. They have Sara Lee Kitchen and it's so damn nice. It has 8 bays which has one refrigerator, one analytical balance, 2 ovens, and 4 cooking places. I know it will be a great place to study even I don't have such good friends like Genggong here.

Well, I have a holiday on every Thursday and I decided to go to the shopping centre to find infant foods packaging for my case study. When I was in the bus stop, I read my twitter and I saw that HE is going to Bandung with some of my beloved friends. At that moment, I was shaking so bad and I just wanna go home and cry, but I have to be tough. I really need to go and let him go away.

What I wonder the most is he has lots of friends and why he needs to come to mine. My friends are my strength and he is my weakness. How can you survive when you see your weakness in the middle of your strength? You won't ever be strong enough to survive, I guess.

Why should he come and go as like as much as he wants?
Why should I cry over him again and again?
Why should I dream of him and still care about him?

I am thousands kilometres away from him and I still can't live my life, what happened to me, for God's sake?
Why am I so stupid?

Why Oh Why?

Food and Teddy