Thank You

THANK YOU. 

That's the only two words I can say, for those who have been supporting me these times.

Thanks for the support. 

The time they have spent only to listen to my cries, give me advices and calm me down. 

The motivational words in many ways.

It helps me a lot. 

Thanks for being patience talking to me even if I didn't listen to any of their thoughts.

In hard times like this, they are the one who always stand by me, wherever and whenever I need them.

They are my wall, protecting me from being hurt.

They are my clown, cheering me up from being sad.

They are my books, giving me so much information so I can move on.

They are my pillows, lending their shoulder to be cried on and to be hugged.

They are my dolls, spending their time just to company me.

They are my rainbow after the rain.

I just wonder, what my life can be without them.

I am not gonna disappoint them, after all the things they have been doing. I am not gonna give up. I am gonna move on, give my best shot. 

Life happens once, and there's no time to wait. :)

Once again, THANK YOU,  

Gadis  Aileen Mulja  Geng Gong  Freddie Adrian  Maria Imakulata  Reinita Cahya Yugana  Anne Aristya  Stella Benita  Fransisca Yulia  Stephen Sutedjo  Andrew Tandra  Irene Widharma  Viyen Philliant  Christian Leonardo  and many others I can't mention one by one.

***

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it's moving on. It's one of the hardest things a person can do. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so."

Rhythm of Love

I'm doing very fine today, with lots of laugh and love to share with people surrounds me. Waking up in the morning with swollen red eyes was a bad start and it was getting worse with my monthly period started. I wasn't so excited about today's hang out cause of last night tragedy. However, I prayed and I started to feel better.

The day started with meeting Miss Irene at Grand Indonesia to find a gift for Thomas Rosenkranz. We saw a monkey statue,  very cute, but then we decided to buy him a blangkon, the Javanese hat. He will love it :):) and a keychain of Indonesia batik pattern sandals. Next stop, TIN PAN ALLEY! While waiting for Tom to come, we ordered some drinks. We gossiped about so many things, about this little kid named B, about another named Z, about this and that. We shared a lot of laugh there with the kiwi and strawberry lemonade companies. After one hour waiting, Thomas came over with Miss Ivana. We ordered the food and talked about the improvisation of music. Some others talk about the gossips, still. I order Sauteed Mushroom Chicken Breast and it came last, while everybody had done eating their lunch and started to have their desserts.

Thomas Rosenkrans wearing blangkon

Sauteed Mushroom Chicken Breast

TIN PAN ALLEY :D

 Next round, Grand Indonesia, meeting my besties, the 5 of Genggong. Two others can come for several reasons. I miss them so much!! We stopped by the Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream and order the Fondue Chocolate Ice Cream. We talked and laugh. Eben read us her stories of boyfriend and her health problems. It was damn serious and I am so worried about her. I wish there's nothing bad gonna happen to her. I just love her too much, too much. There were some intermezzos by Karina and Cici that unexplainable in words. It was just so funny, haha. I miss those silly talks and laughs, and I wonder if I can hear those silly talks again when I'm in Australia. Karina cut her hair, by the way, and she looks brighter and younger of course. There's Valencia and Dessy, another besties of mine, the mommy and the wise. 

When Eben shared about the ex boyfriend of her, there were some advices around. These besties are so wise and kind. They tried very hard to calm Eben down and to cheer Eben up. The thing is, I know they're nice but I prefer to keep silent. Why? Because I don't feel the same. Those advices are not belong to me and it doesn't go to my mind. It was just too good to be true. I was so harsh. I have been and I am in one of my biggest pain. I am at the edge of my fall and I really know how does it feel. I don't think that those wise words work for me. 

They said that blocking facebook, deleting bbm contact whatsoever are so norak! I agreed, but now, it has changed. I don't care if my way is not wise, if my way is so childish, I don't care. The only thing I care about is my life. I need to move. I need to let go. I need to get over it. I need to wake up. I need to cheer up. I need to forgive myself. I need to see that there's a brighter future for me, and I am willing to do anything, like anything, bad or good, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. I don't care if he or others think that I disrespect people or what. They just don't know who I really am and well, people usually judge the book by its cover. I am not going to give up this soon. I will survive, in any kind of situation, with any kind of steps. I will :)

Valen - Kitty - Eben - Karin - Cici - Dessy

Genggong with Chocolate Fondue, made by Valen

Toilet Time, Girls :D

 We went to Muji, Karin bought agenda and I bought stabilos :D hehe welcome new agenda with new colours everywhere. We walked and I found out that ZARA is ON SALE! God, so happy, gonna ask mommy to GI again tomorrow, so let's shop! Besties went home and I went to Social House, meeting Miss Irene and Ci Juliana, we talked a while and mommy picked me up.

End of story, I was so happy today and so excited to meet them again, soon. I can't deny that hanging out with them can stop me from thinking about him. But I have distractions. I have laugh and love with those people who really care about me. These things make me realize that I have to move on, whatever it takes. Yes, it needs time, but as long as you believe, as long as you keep on praying, there will be away.

Thank you for the rhythm of love that you sang to me :):):)

Go Screw Yourself

I know I've been holding it in

The way I feel about you

Something I've been dying to say

But I don't know how you'll take it

Please don't go

You should know

These three words

I've been holding back

Trying to fight

Imma let them out

These three words

Gotta let you know

Here I go go go

Go screw yourself

I've had enough

Now we're done

Go screw yourself

Not gonna lie

It was fun

But go screw yourself

Feels good just to have it all out

It's so not overrated

You can't keep me putting down

And getting away with it

Oh now I know the way to say

These three words

I've been holding back

Trying to fight

Imma let them out

These three words

Gotta let you know

Here I go go go

Go screw yourself

I've had enough

Now we're done

Go screw yourself

Not gonna lie

It was fun

But go screw yourself

This is the song I am listening right now. For people who are trying to put me down, whatsoever, go screw yourself and I had enough. Just let's make it clear. It inspires me a lot and makes me realize how stupid I was when I let those people put me down.

A Talk about Boys

I am a broken-heart girl. I may not be objective talking about boys. I have been hurt so many times and I don't really trust boys anymore. I am so vulnerable and fragile. I talked to a friend, name her G. She's a lovely one. She was a bitch, not literally a bitch *sorry, babe*, and now she has changed. She has been hurt so many times, too and she shared to me about this, that every boys are assholes. No offense for the boys.

For me, at least for now, boys are boys. I'm talking about boys, not men. That's different. Boys are assholes, no matter what. They are assholes in many different ways. Some of them only do small assholes while others do big assholes. Some of them show their assholeness to everyone while others stay cool and show his assholeness only to those who are close to him. Some of them physically hurt the girl while some hurt emotionally.

Boys need to grow up to be a mature men. Men usually are more mature and have better thinking. They know how to position themselves in every situation and they know how to develop themselves. However, that doesn't mean men are not assholes. Men can also be asshole, just like the boys, no different, just a bit better.

Broken Wings

I am so afraid, so fucking afraid. I am so horrible. I was on my galau mode and suddenly I saw his name on my News Feed. I hide his posts and there's an idea from somewhere to look at his profile. So, I looked at it and found the photos of coaching. I'm surprised, I saw his photos hugging a girl, CDC. She's a beauty. I was so jealous but then I keep on saying to myself that all the coaching guys love to hug everyone so that doesn't matter. Coaching is about sharing brother-sister-hood. Then, I saw other photos of him. He lookes pretty close to CDC. They sat together for several times on the photo, on the coaching time or even on dinner time. I was shaking and I am shaking.

Then I looked at his twitter and I saw his tweets. God!! There were so many mentions on her on my ex's tweets. If there was 20 tweets, then 19 of them have mentioned CDC. For God's sake, my ex boy is a passive one and now he's talking to this girl? I am so afraid. I am so broken in. If this girl loves my ex boyfriend then she tries to pedekate to him, I am so afraid that she will get his heart. I know I have none of his business. I am no longer his someone. I just still can't get over him. My former boyfriend doesn't like people who sok kenal sok deket but here is the thing, he seems to be fine with this SKSD girl. Maybe he doesn't feel nice to reject her but, I am afraid that he's in love too.

I know I don't have any rights. I have nothing. I just can't face the fact that he's moving on and I am not. I just can't face that he's over me and I'm not yet over him. I am so desperate. When will my prince come? I wanna run to a hill and shout as loud as I can. I wanna cry until I lose my voice and stop my tears. I wanna jump to the ocean and never come back.

I am having a glass of warm water and I feel better, but I keep on shaking. I miss him and I still do love him. I wonder if he feels the same. I am so afraid of losing him for the rest of my life. Is this what we call karma?

I love you, D, with my broken wings.

Fighting with Myself

It's complicated. Things just happen not in the way I want it to be and it's so damn hard to get over it. Well, I was hurt for several reasons in past two months and I am not ready to get over these undescribable feelings. Yes, I do miss it. I still do love it. I still can remember every little thing, but I can't deny. These peaceful and comfortable memories had gone and the only leftover is hatred. I hate him and he hates me, perfect combination, isn't it?

I try to forgive him for everything he had done and I still can't let him go. Those nightmares are still in my mind, I can't help. I talked to several friends, best friends actually, and I figured out that I need to forgive myself. For two months, I keep on blaming myself for the bad things I had done to him and that makes the reason why he hates me now. I keep saying sorry for my mistakes and I keep apologizing, however things are not the same anymore. 

I have so many counters right now. I don't do things I usually do. For instance, I don't write diary. I don't go to my boarding house and campus anymore, even if I need to. I don't play with Bruu, I let him sit on the corner of my bed. I don't look at pictures of campus life cause it reminds me of you. I stay away from my bestfriends cause I'm afraid to hear your name slipped by their lips. I hate to see Black X-Over or a car with number containing F, 1, 6, and 8, cause it reminds me of your car. I do unfollow his twitter and hide the update status of facebook cause I'm afraid to face the truth that he's moving on and I'm not. I don't go to the places we used to hang out alone cause I'm afraid I'll cry. I don't go to Nike, Aksara, and Bally alone cause I'm afraid that I will get his favorite things and send it to his house. I put away all the photos and other things from him, just not to remember him anymore. I read only novels that can encourage me to move on and let go. I don't watch romantic movies. I don't listen to the songs we used to listen. There are more than things above I can list. 

I am so lost without him and I am so desperately in a huge love trauma. I am fighting with myself, do I need to stay or do I need to leave? But, time have passed and I believe I will be relieved, someday. It just a matter of time and my dream will come true. Yes, someday :):)

Being the First :)

It has been two months I haven't written my diary book for some reasons and I started to think about making a new one without looking at the back, so here I am, blogging :)