Why Oh Why?

I have started my university days in Ourimbah since Monday. At first, I don't understand what the lecturer says but as the time goes by, I do understand and I find it interesting to study here. They have lots of fun projects to do and they do have great laboratories. They have Sara Lee Kitchen and it's so damn nice. It has 8 bays which has one refrigerator, one analytical balance, 2 ovens, and 4 cooking places. I know it will be a great place to study even I don't have such good friends like Genggong here.

Well, I have a holiday on every Thursday and I decided to go to the shopping centre to find infant foods packaging for my case study. When I was in the bus stop, I read my twitter and I saw that HE is going to Bandung with some of my beloved friends. At that moment, I was shaking so bad and I just wanna go home and cry, but I have to be tough. I really need to go and let him go away.

What I wonder the most is he has lots of friends and why he needs to come to mine. My friends are my strength and he is my weakness. How can you survive when you see your weakness in the middle of your strength? You won't ever be strong enough to survive, I guess.

Why should he come and go as like as much as he wants?
Why should I cry over him again and again?
Why should I dream of him and still care about him?

I am thousands kilometres away from him and I still can't live my life, what happened to me, for God's sake?
Why am I so stupid?

Why Oh Why?

Food and Teddy

Chasing Pavements

It has been 3 days that the rain has pouring so had, I can't do anything but staying at the dorm. I even can't go the laundry room and wash my clothes. I wanna go to Sydney, at least I'll have my beloved bestfriend to laugh with me. But that's alright, I'm gonna get my new friends here, they're nice though.

For the last two days, I talked quite much to Dimas, we did Skype so much. I miss him so much, miss those moments when I used to laugh and share the love with him. There was nothing but love and happiness, but this time, it's different. I don't know what he feels but I feel empty. There's nothing more between us, it's not even a friend-friend feeling, well I hope I'll recover soon so that it will become easier for me and of course, for him.

We do quarrels most of the time, misunderstanding. It's Skype Conversation, I only can see the words but I don't know how's his tone and well, maybe he mad at me, it gets on my nerve and he hates me :( it's always been like that. I believe he's so fucking tired, just like me.

What should I do? Do I need to stop or keep on chasing pavements?

I Wish

I'm staying here, at my besties' apartment for a night, before I go back to my real life of the quiet and lonely village. I feel very, what it is called, comfy cozy peaceful warm and it's indescribable feeling. I look at these three brothers, I kinda jealous, if I have more siblings around me, maybe it won't be that hard to stay here. I would have my sisters or brothers to work hand-in-hand with me.

These three brothers are awesome. I saw them cooking this morning, and it's like, I wish I have brothers or sisters just like them. I am so happy to have Michael as my only brother but people always want more, isn't it? More siblings would be nice for me. I know that won't be happening to me for real, however staying in their apartment, even only for a night, it makes me miss my family more and more. 

They are such a wonderful family :)

Australia Touchdown

Arrived at the Sydney International Airport and I waited for the car to pick me up and drive me to Ourimbah. Bought a burger for brunch and went to the Darling Harbour to pick some other passengers up. Straight to Ourimbah, to the Blue Gum House, kinda confused at the first time because it was so quiet there. After several walk to this and that buildings, I got my key and I got in. It's Room 16.

It's a nice room actually, but it's so damn cold and I don't know how to turn the heater on. I just found out later that I can use the air conditioner with higher temperature, stupid me. I met this guy, Lokie. He's from Hongkong, a 29 year old and a post graduate. Glad that I'm meeting a Hongkong guy but he's moving out very soon, in couple weeks. I met Yaya, an Egyptian guy. Neil, an Indian guy. John, a Korean guy. and Cliff, a Malaysian guy. John gave me the Korean sushi he made on my third day in Ourimbah.

I went to Westfield Shopping Centre in Tuggerah and shopped there for two days. Not a very good shop centre but it's better than nothing, aight? It was so quiet there, actually I like the atmosphere but it was just TOO QUIET. There are only trees and the yellowish whitish and greyish birds. I met Shannon finally and she brought her kids. They were very very naughty but I love them. They are very very cute, especially JJ.

My student card and internet access are not ready for several reasons and even Shannon doesn't know what happened. I really need the internet and the blackberry service didn't work at all, was so lonely.

I decided to come to Sydney, went with wrong train so I stopped at the Gosford and went to central with another train. Ntep had waited me there, miss him so much :):) mau peluk tapi ada mama, jadi ga enak haha. Then, we walked to the hotel, a bit rain and put the luggage in. Went to Paddy's Market, kinda like Mangga Dua with better goods, better fruits and everything. I want UGG! Then, met my family in Randwick, had very nice Indonesian food: kangkung, ayam sereh, udang goreng mentega, OPOR AYAM! I love the opor, like, very much :*:* At night, me and Ntep went to watch Harry Potter! :D it all ends, just it. It's not that good for a final of a sequel that is watched by zillions people.

On Saturday, I went again to the Paddy's, Ntep brought me croissants for me and mom. We went to Newtown, walked along the street, saw USYD and had lunch at the Thai La Ong, it was a nice Thai restaurant. Then, we walked again along the street and went back to the City, to walk around, bought ice cream at Passion Flower. I tried the black sesame ice cream but I didn't like it. I wonder why everyone likes the black sesame ice cream.

We had dinner at a ramen restaurant which is very nice and warm, and we walked Mom to the hotel. Ntep showed me this puff that he likes so much, the Emperor's cream puff. It was hot outside and very hot inside. I went to The Chocolate Room, had dark chocolate and Ntep had the caramel chocolate but it was not good. It has 20 flavors of chocolate milk and also several types of the milk shakes. I wanted to try the Kitty Shakes, it's made from Kit Kat and ice milk chocolate, but the night was so cold so I decided to have the warm one. Me and Ntep talked about this guy and that girl. I miss the cozy comfort feelings I'd always love to share with him :) 

We took the complimentary drink from the hotel: Pure Blonde Beer and red wine. The red wine was like water and grape juice mixed into one, not nice at all, so fake.

This Sunday, I went to airport, company mom, with Ntep. We them went to his apartment to put my luggage and I meet his brothers. We went to the City again, to watch the Kung Fu Panda 2. The baby Po was soooo cute, it's so fluffy and I'm gonna die! :D The story was awesome and I laughed a lot. And then, we had dinner at hotplate chinese restaurant, yummy!


The night I spent here, at Rockdale, was extremelly awesome, I skyped with mom, registering my orientation seminar and well, I can feel the comfort staying here, not like Ourimbah. I hope, when the time comes, I can feel this kind of feeling, there, with new people and new environment :)

11th July 2011

I was there, at the airport. I texted with Dimas for a while, he came. Well, I checked in and I went out again to meet Stella :) Then Andrew, Aileen, and Dimas came. He wore a new shirt I don't recognized. it was a white one, bought in Universal, with the Donkey of Shrek on it. He was so calm and well, I was so nervous. I only talked to Andrew and Aileen, while he sometimes talked to me and I;m not dare enough to look at his eyes.

We laughed and talked and several moments later, Karina came. I miss her so much!! I was kinda sad that the other Genggong can't come but suddenly, Valen and Dessy ran to me, so glad that they came :):) Then, we laughed we talked about any thing. Andrew gave me a bag and there's a cardigan and a letter inside it. 

It was almost the time I need to go in, so we had a group hug and some photos with Genggong. I told Genggong to keep Dimas away from the girl named CDC and they laughed. I hug Michael, was gonna miss him so much and I am. Before I went in, Dessy gave me a book and Dimas went with me, gave me the CD of Adithia Sofyan we bought together, such a memory. I told him to take care of it and he said there's my name on it too. So I took it and I went in. I can't look at his eyes, it was still painful. 

He still texted me until I was on plane and I called him to tell Genggong that I'm going. I read the book that Dessy gave me, it was from the class. They wrote some notes for me on the Study Tour, GREAT and I didn't know at all. But, THANKS to those who came and those who prayed for me :)

Last Day

This is gonna be the last day staying in my bedroom. A bit nervous that I'm going to Australia tomorrow, staying in the new environment that I've never been there before. On the other hand, I am so excited, gotta have a new life there, a real fun, a real atmosphere to study and I'd be glad to be one of them.

I had a dinner with family tonight, not gonna have good chinese food there for such a very long time, like 4 months, but well, I threw it all again :( 

He texted me and now we're still on the bbm. He asked for a meet up tomorrow noon before I leave. I actually wanna meet him like I miss him like crazy but I just can't. I can't hear his voice. I can't see his face. It makes me so hard to leave Indonesia. I tried to be as harsh as I can, but it didn't work. I softened down and I talked to him again. I know it will hurt me again. I know he won't text me tomorrow, he won't bbm when I'm in Australia. I just, I just can't deny I still love him and deep down here I still hoping for the best to come for us. 

I don't knowwhere this will end but I hope there will be no bad dreams, at least for tonight and no more throw ups tomorrow morning, no more hardly breathe, too. 

Genggong and Others

Dear Genggong and others, 

Kitty pergi dulu yaa :) cuma setahun kok, cuma beberapa bulan aja. I will be missing you so much, the laugh, the cries, the bully and everything. Disana bule bule mana ada yang mau bully kitty, ya ga? mana ada yang mau nemenin kitty cerita panjang lebar sambil nangis, yang ingetin kitty supaya jangan gigit kuku, yang manggil kitty idung, kitty lesbong, kittong, yang mau review bareng sblm ujian kaya disini. pasti smua sendiri-sendiri, terus kalo mereka becanda, aku pasti ga ngerti sendirian deh, either emang becandaannya beda atau emang kitty aja yang lemot lemot bego gitu. 

Ga bakal ada Karina yang ketawa terus sepanjang hari sambil guling guling kalo dikelitikin terus rambutnya botak terus dahinya kerut kerut, ga ada yg temenin kitty lagi kalo amit2 kitty dibully. Ga ada Eben yang suka nemenin kitty ke wc even dia gamau pipis, terus nemenin kitty jajan makanan terus temenin kitty kemana mana temen curhat super galau. Ga ada Dhea yang apa apa kerja bareng kitty terus suka ngomelin kitty. Ga ada Valen si mama bijak gigi brubah warna. Ga ada Dessy yang cuek cuek rajin nyatet dan rumahnya suka ditumpangin genggong lain. Ga ada Marita yang lebih rajin nyatet lagi terus ngreview smua bahan ujian, mati gue! nanti siapa yang temenin gue belajar woy. Ga ada Cici yang kemana mana bawa sisir gaib yang dicolong dr hotel anker surabaya. 

Kalo dipikir2 kitty gamau ke Aussie :(:( Takut! Hidup sendirian loh ga punya temen sama sekali like no one, masa mall terdekat aja harus naik kreta dulu. disini kan kitty stiap hari ke Grand Indo, mati lah. Nanti Genggong jangan sombong2 yaa, kitty tau kok semua sibuk FoodEx 4, terus sibuk ngajar Adam Khoo, sibuk kerja sibuk kuliah tugas yang lain lain, tapi skype sering sering yaa, kitty bakal non stop depan laptop kalo disana kalo uda pulang kampus. Semoga cepet dapet temen tp kalo dpt tmn jg masa main sama dia mulu, kan kaya ergh beda becandaannya gituu pasti tetot dong dong gitu. Sering2 skype yaa, terus bb dipegang terus jadi kan bisa ngbrol sama kitty. Karina sama Valen sering2 bawa laptop ke kampus terus nanti kita bisa skype rame rame kan, Aron menunggu aja gitu hehe. Duh, kitty takut kesambet setan galau terus gatau mau nangis kemana, gimana dong? :(:( ahh ga boleh! kitty cari mafia hongkong aja ya ga ya gaa? :D:D masa di aussie suasana baru segala2 baru kitty masih galau, kan ga boleh yaa ya yaaa?

*duh gimana dong ini air mata netes terus?*

Ah pokonya, Genggong jangan sombong sombong sama kitty yaa :):)

Reinita Cahya Yugana - makasih adik kos ku sayang! uda bantuin beres beres kamar, simpenin barang barang termasuk sticker Hello Kitty. jangan sedih yaa, kan tinggal liat kamar mandi kalo kangen aku hehe. Nanti kalo ada kamar kos kosong langsung book buat aku ya ya yaa, and titipan aku jangan lupa disampein. oh iya, makasih scarf syalnya itu hehe pasti aku tenteng kemana mana. Sayang kamu :D

Aileen Mulja - terima kasih loh atas nasehat yang sangat menenangkan dan cerita yang menyemangatkan :) Sukses KP nya, sukses TA nya, sukses HMTP nya, sukses FoodEx 4 nya :D

Andrew Tandra - terima kasih juga nasehat nasehat dan ceritanya, menghentikan tangisan at least sehari hehe. Sukses buat semua semunya yaa :D

Stephen Sutedjo - :):) nanti lu sibuk sibuk kuliah jangan lupa temenin gue bbm yaa ngobrol yaa nanti ga gue bawain bule cantik loh haha. apa lu mau ade nya mafia hongkong aja? makasih yaa djo buat waktu lu nemenin gue galau galau kaya orang tolol

Gadis - abeb! kamu pulang, aku pergi, dodol yaa? nanti desember kita ketemuan lagi, liat aja, aku uda ga bakal galau galau, amin :) nanti aku uda ketawa ketawa tolol kaya dulu lagi, uda bisa senyum terus sepanjang jalan terus mata aku ga bengkak idung aku ga merah, janji! aku pasti nanti pulang aussie jadi orang yang lebih baik lagi, kamu take care yaa cepet sembuh. no cheese no dairy food please, jangan cape cape dulu, i love you so much :*:*

Viyen Phillian - ci! titip cika ya :) jangan bikin dia tambah gendut and tambah centil please plus stiap hari kasih liat foto gue biar dia ga lupa sama gue haha

Kenny Mitchell Gandi - even we haven't talked for like so long, thanks for everything :)

masih banyak lagi yang mau dipesenin, tapi cape juga ya :) jangan sombong sombong yaa sama kitty hehe :D:D kitty takut sendirian disana tauu, cuma ga brani bilang aja sama mama :( tp gpp, we're only a bbm away kok hehe.

I LOVE YOU :):):)

Everything Happens For A Reason

Thank You, Stephen Sutedjo :)

Lazy Sunday Morning Class and Genggong Time

WHAT A DAY! I am so excitef for today even I had a bad dream of him, but that can't ruin my day. Arrived at Grand Indonesia at 10 and started to make my Lazy Sunday Morning page with Ci Lexa. I just found out that there are so many tools that are needed. It's only about layering, cutting and embossing. The scissors are different, called Honey Bee, made of teflon so the glue item won't stick there. There's paper trimmer! it has pink color and I love it so much. It cuts papers very nice, straightly or even with pattern. Then, there's also Beacon 3-in-1 glue, it's fantastic and the pop ups. I learned to use distressing tool that destroy the edge of papers, distressing ink to color the edge pf the pages, and do some blendings to make the color softer. What I love the most is the Glimerring something. It's a spray that colors the pages, I love it! The glossy accents and the glitter are also nice.

I find out that scrapbook is one of very expensive hobbies, but actually it is really fun. People can be creative, making ideas of the pages, mini albums and other projects. People can be inspired by others' ideas. But we need to be patient, doing all those tiny things. It is a very good activity in spare time and I'd love to make some more. :D:D

Next trip, I went to Burger King with Genggong! Marita Dhea Valencia Evelyn and Aron! :D And then we went to Planetarium but the queue was very long and there were so many kids there, maybe the holiday takes part. Oh great, it's the end of holiday already. So we headed back to Plaza Indonesia and had the Honey Bread for share :D 

It's gonna be the last day meeting Gabriella Dhea before I leave for Australia. I'm gonna miss you, Kendi :D 

Thankyou, God, for the day I've spent today, for the scrapbooking and for a love sharing time with some Genggong :)

dear heart

Dear Heart,

Look what you have done. I've told you, don't talk to him at all. You didn't listen to me yesterday, you keep on replying his messages like nothing happened between you two. See, he didn't reply yours anymore and you are left again, in tears. Please Heart, for once in my life, I beg you, not to talk to him anymore in any kind of situation, whatever he's asking. Just End Chat or delete his bbm contact. Done. Well, you can't, but you just put yourself into troubles, darling. Open your eyes and see the brighter future out there, without him.

How many times should I tell you to stop talking to him? Arghh.

Love,

Brain

That Should Be Me

That should be me, holding your hands

That should be me, making you laugh

That should be me, this is so sad

That should be me 

That should be me

That should be me, feeling your kiss

That should be me, buying you gift

This is so wrong, I can't go on

That should be me

 

That Should Be Me :)

Sorry

I was waiting my mom at Kinokuniya bookstore and I read a book, Sorry. There are several apologizing words written there and I remember some.

"My heart it has been broken it's in a million bits but only you can mend it and fix it so it fits"

"Ninety thousand and forty two, I'm sorry, ninety thousand and forty three, I'm sorry, ninety thousand and forty four, I'm sorry. I'm saying sorry a gillion times so you know exactly how I feel"

"If my tears were raindrops, the worlds woul dbe completely flooded. I am sorry for hurting you and beg your forgiveness"

"I would: dive to the depths of the deepest oceans, do battle with Neptune, wrestle with a Minotaur, hypnotise the giant Cyclops, shampoo Medusa's hair, ride Pegasus to the moon, all to gain forgiveness from the most magical, mysterious, magnificent creature ever - you"

"Help! Since upsetting you, I've noticed something odd, I've got no shadow and no reflection in the mirror. What's more, I have a mass of hair growing all over my body and a huge bend in my neck. Save my World! The only way to stop me changing into a vampire-dracula-banshee-werewolf is for you to hug me and to say everything is okay again"

"SORRY - It takes but 1 second to say but ten million years for me to recover from the pain of hurting you"

"A star dims each time I think of the sadness I have caused you. Please forgive me and let the stars shine again!"

These are simple words I have taken from the book, but it really represents what I feel and it is the exacly same words I am going to tell you. It's only words, but I mean it, here, deep down here. I wish you can read this and forgive me for the pain I've made.

Once again, I am sorry.

I love you, D :) Always.

A Confession of A Brain

Dear Heart,

I am so sorry for replying his texts harshly. I am so sorry if it makes you hurt. I am sorry if it makes you cry. I don't intend to do so. I know that you miss him so much, that you still in love with him, that you still hope for a better relationship with him, that you are dying to talk to him for these weeks, that you are so pleased when he actually text you and ask for a meet. I know and I understand that very well.

I am so afraid that he will hurt you again once again. You are not stabile yet. You do cry everyday, every night. You do think about him everytime.You still want to prepare his surprise for birthday. You still throw up your breakfast like everyday. You keep on calling his name in every pray. I am afraid that by talking to him, by meeting him, you'll be hurt once again. He has hurt yourself enough, so do you. You become tougher everyday. I don't wanna see you fall again. Not when you're going to Australia in a week. I'm not gonna let anyone let you down, no one. 

I am so sorry, I'm just trying to protect you. That's it. I hope you understand.

I love you.

Love,

Brain

I Wonder

I wonder what do you want from me. Why do you need to come again? After all the things you left me behind, why oh why you need to come back? 

You said you wanna talk about us. US? Is it only you and me, not us? What do you want, D? Do you want to hurt me again? Do you want to see the tears again? Or what? What do you expect from me?

I know you're just being respect, you grow into a more mature one. I don't know if it's because of this problem, or Adam Khoo taught you something, or maybe the girl you hugged in the photo told you something? 

Who actually has the idea to meet me? What do you want to tell me? You already in love with another girl? Yes, I already notice, you don't need to tell me so. 

I'm letting you go, why do you need to come and talk to me again? Do you know how much I survive? Do you know how much it hurts? Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how I still love you?

I wonder, why, D.