Hello 2012 :D

HELLO 2012 :D

selamat tahun baru semoga di tahun ini semuanya akan bertambah baik.

here I am, listing of my several targets that i hope it can be achieved during 366 days of 2012 :)

* two HDs and two Ds for my second semester in newcastle

* take diving lesson and get PADI license

* travel somewhere around australia, hope so for the february port stephens and april fiji island (finger crossed)

* work harder and get AUD$ 1000 before going home

* finish well my fasting for 40 days before Easter, no meat at all except Saturday and Sunday

* no more suicidal action

* make a concert for little baby Michael

* kerja praktek di aussie, very merry finger crossed and lulus sidang

* getting my grades back, IPK > 3.50 and IPS > 3.60, no matter what

* no more galau-ing with such unimportant things, for instance, love life

* maintain body weight, 50 kgs only til the end of the year

these are the list that i can think of, there will be more and more targets i will try to achieve by the time it goes.

once again, goodbye 2011 and hello 2012 :D

xoxo

Review of 2011

after spending almost 365 days on 2011, i have done so many things, starting from the failures, the disappoinments until the blessings and miracles :) tahun ini berat banget buat gue, berat banget. kalo boleh jujur, this is the hardest year, after 2006. banyak sekali kesalahan yang gue buat, banyak banget kekecewaan yang gue terima, banyak banget hal hal yang gue sesalkan, kenapa gue bodoh banget untuk melakukan hal hal macem itu. yet, gue juga menerima banyak sekali miracle selama 365 hari ini, dan i am so thankful for having those blessings :)

JANUARY, tahun ini diawali dengan tawa karena gue baru sampe di Paris, having my christmas and new year holiday with mommy and daddy. bulan ini, gue merasakan bahagia teramat sangat karena gue ketemu sama satu cowo, namanya KMG, well dia bukan pacar gue tapi i was in love with him. dia seseorang yang sangat gue kagumin pada saat itu, mungkin sampai sekarang, karena dia adalah sesosok orang yang sangat dewasa dan bijak menurut gue. tapi di akhir bulan ini, gue mulai menjauh dari dimas, he was my boyfriend back then, kenapa yaa? i thought he was annoying, apa karena KMG?

FEBRUARY, this is the love month! ada hari valentine, gue bahagia banget hari itu, well, i spent the day with genggong, sharing laugh and love, and dimas was there! and at night, dimas surprised me cause it was our 4th monthiversary and we had dinner. then, bulan ini juga michael di syuting sama christine hakim! nanti filmnya mau di bioskopin :) on 21st, it's dimas' bday :) i surprised him and he loved it! what a lovely month :D

MARCH, i went o Java Jazz with bebeb, karin and dhea terus nonton corinne bailey rae. after waiting for several years, finally she came and she sang Breathless, my fav song with dimas :) well, akhir bulan, dimas semakin annoying di mata gue, kenapa ya?

APRIL, ini bulan galau! i am in the middle of my weakness, gue lagi bingung setengah mati apakah gue harus ke aussie atau gaa. aussie is my dream, after dentisty and it's like no one supporting me and i was stucked. bulan ini juga, bulan gue sibuk2nya urusin study tour karena i was the head of it, and, exactly on the 22nd, itu Jumat Agung, gue putus sama dimas. ini hari kehancuran gue tiba.

MAY, sepertinya roda memang lagi berputar di bawah. gue ga bisa bangkit, nilai gue hancur berantakan, gue ga bisa belajar, even dimas masih baik sama gue, tapi hidup gue hancur. gue ngosongin lembar ujian TPP yang bernilai 5sks! LOL, crazy huh? end of this month, gue ada study tour dan karena masalah jealousy yg ditimbulkan dimas ke KMG, i ruined my study tour. i didn't rule well, i didn't have fun, i was a very bad example of a leader. gue bisa2nya loh sakit sesek nafas asma kejang pingsan masuk rumah sakir dua kali! semua orang jagain gue, harusnya gue yang jagain mereka, so stupid huh? so unprofessional.

JUNE, masih bulan galau karena dimas sepertinya main tarik ulur dan hidup gue bener2 brantakan. stiap pagi gue asma dan setiap pagi, gue muntah. this is worse than my 2006. in a month, i will go to australia dan visa gue belom kluar, panic attack!

JULY, dimas menghubungi gue lagi dan mau ketemuan, he even went to the airport. i went to australia accompanied by my mom, on 11th. it was so sad, but thank God, i have boti aileen and genggong :) bakal kangen banget sama michael, pastinya. i arrived in australia and well, it was sucks, i didn't like it, sepi banget dan dimas selalu temenin gue.

AUGUST, dimas' gone but i started to find my life even stiap hari masih nangisin dimas but it's a lot better. uni berjalan lancar, i met new friends: neil, cliff, yahya, nina, lisa, alana, and many others. they are all very nice. gue sibuk belajar dan i found a job! di tempat sushi, even gajinya kecil but i'm happy that i'm working :) ternyata kerja itu susah yaa. well, it's a good month.

SEPTEMBER, hidup gue penuh warna! i get used to it now, i get used to live in that blue gum house with new people, with new environment. get used to the subjects and i got good marks! work went well and got more salary. gue pun ngomong lagi sama dimas, well i texted him first and it ended nicely, we talked a lot. we looked like a couple now. we texted, we skyped, even during sleep :) he told me he loved me and i was so delightful to hear that, that i dumped a guy only for him. well, no one knows what happened on next month right?

OCTOBER, entah dia main tarik ulur atau apa, i don't know but i decided to back off. cinta itu ga harus memiliki dan cinta itu bahagia ketika melihat si yg dicintai bahagia, so yeaa i gave up. he deserves a better life without me, even it hurts. work's good and uni's good. i started to work out, go to the gym and swim with cliff. i have this bestie named Ping :) uni's good and i was close to another guy but well he was just a rebound guy and he knew it :)

NOVEMBER, my birthday is coming! woohoo, i'm 20 now, no more childness, be an adult. bulan ini, gue ujian cuy! untung ga susah2 amat, well thank God i felt better about dimas jadi bisa konsentrasi belajar and i have these friends who support me all the time. thank you, my friends :) i owe you much and i love you. dan bulan ini juga, kitty pulang! i met michael finally super seneng ya ampunn seneng amit amit seneng! bulan ini juga, gue ke uph, ktmu genggong super happy! ketemu boti dan aileen, ketemu dimas. tp kita diem2an dan ga ngomong, even oleh2nya pun gue titipin, but well it's better for us. but it's okay, i'm fine. bulan ini juga, michael menang lomba loh, well not exactly menang, tp dapet penghargaan yang didatengin sama presiden :D proud of you, my baby!

DECEMBER, last month of the year, my last 31 day of 2011. hidup gue membaik even gue sempet kangen bgt sma dimas, smpet found out that dimas had a girl he crushed on, but yeaa i'm okay :) i had a great fun with family in singapore and it really made my days! and and, it's christmas! christmas spirit woohoo, christmas itu adalah the most favorite moment of the year dan gue percaya akan adanya miracle d setiap natal. it may not be a visual thing, but i can feel something. something new and peace on me, yeapp i think i can move on, on dimas. i still love him, no matter what tapi gue uda lebih menerima kenyataan kalo dia dan gue itu sesuatu yang ga mungkin terjadi lagi, sekarang ataupun masa depan. gue juga merasakan miracle on michael, well he's a lot better now. dan filmnya dia uda di publish! smoga akan segera tayang di bioskop, amin.

see, 2011 aren't that bad, huh? walaupun ini tahun kehancuran gue, tahun dimana mungkin roda gue sedang ada di bawah but see, gue bisa kok bangkit and i will prove it, kalo emang gue bisa bikin roda gue naik lagi ke atas. kalo kata Romo Yohanes pas misa natal, it's not the environment that makes you happy, it's you :) Biarawati di Perancis waktu perang jaman dulu aja bisa bisanya loh masih nyanyi and worhsip Jesus, padahal uda mau dibunuh pake pisau apa itu lah yg ada huruf G G nyaa, masa gue yang cuma putus sama pacar nilai brantakan aja langsung mau bunuh diri ga punya semangat hidup? what a shame, christie!

Thank You God, for this 2011, memang banyak hal yg terjadi, i don't wanna remember this as my failure year, yes i want to forget this as my stupidity, but, i will remember this whole year, untuk pelajaran gue, supaya gue ga mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. Thank You Michael, Mommy, and Daddy. Thank You Genggong and my Sanurian besties :)

thank you 2011, it's a great pleasure to know you :)

xoxo

December and Christmas Miracles

it's been a while haven' t been posting anything. There's lots of thing to tell.

first thing first, i am so proud of my brother, Michael Anthony. he got this award from a piano competition and he went to see the president! and the president was very proud of him, i am so so proud of him, the next day, Michael's was all on the news! woohooo :D

second, we went to singapore for a holiday trip :) it was a total fun, the universal studio, the shoppings, and food and the fat of course, i love it! especially how we spend our quality time together, without any internet connections and phones allowed.

third, michael is going to have another concert, hopefully in june or july, please anyone, i need the pray :)

fourth, the movie "Love Me As I Am" about autism children in Indonesia is launched already. One on the cast is michael, not too much about him though but the music background in the whole movie is played by michael :) woohoo

fifth, it's not the last well, cause december hasn't ended. this is more about myself and this is more about the sad than the happy. it's about him. after all of these whole love life story of mine, after all of these months, well, it has been 8 months i have been alone. what i can say is, i miss him and i still do love him. but thee words mean nothing for him, and he won't ever come back. i just knew that he's been very extremely close to this girl. well, i don't know if it's a friend friend feeling or what but they are extremely ga wajar very close. it's even closer than me and neil, well i am not jealous. this is no more jealousy. i am just sad. i don't know what i'm feeling. i don't know what this is. i'm tired of pretending that i'm okay without him while i'm not. i'm tired of tell myself not to cry. i'm tired of wearing these stupid masks!

i REALLY wish, i can go and stay in australia, i have my own new life there. i miss the place where i can be myself, where i can laugh till drop, cry as much as i want, listen to music as loud as it can, and drink until i get drunk! i really miss those feeling when i don't know what to do, then i run to neil's room, cry and call ping and also stil crying and ping will company me drink until i threw up! the next morning, i'll forget everything and i forget about dimas. i just miss him so bad. and i can't do anything, i even can't cry here. holy sh*t, please please someone take me home, to australia, please please. i'm so fucked up here! i need alcohol! arghhhh.

well well, i hope, that this christmas, he can give his heart to the right woman, who can give him happiness just like he always wanted. i'm sorry :( but i will always pray for him and it will never change. i always hope and believe on christmas miracles :) i get so so many christmas miracles this december through michael. it's been a miracle for me, and i hope he will also get his own miracle, whatever it is.

i love you, D :)

Commit Suicide

Seminggu yang lalu ada anak UPH yang loncat dari kondominium entah lantai berapa, dengan tujuan bunuh diri. Hari ini, ada lagi anak UPH yang loncat bunuh diri dari lantai 10 Grand Indonesia, meninggal di depannya lobby East Mall. Very ironic, banyak dari temen2 gue yang kenal sama dia. I don't even know why.

Gue gamau tau apa alasan orang orang itu bunuh diri, tapi yang pasti gue mengerti sekali kenapa mereka bisa punya niat untuk bunuh diri dengan alasan apapun. Gue pernah ada di posisi orang orang itu, gue juga uda berusaha mati2an untuk Suicide, tp mgkn bedanya Tuhan masih pengen gue sadar dan mempelajari kesalahan gue.

Gue cuma mau bilang, gue pernah seperti kalian, desperate sama hidup. Gue inget banget, gue mulai kaya org gila sejak gue putus sama seorang mantan gue dan gue hrs meninggalkan les piano gue yg uda gue rintis dari kecil krn itu. Very long story, tp gue bener2 gamau hidup saat itu, gue coba minum Baygon, bahkan gue baret tangan gue sebanyak2nya. Tapi anehnya gue ga mati mati.

Whatever happened to me, It was my past. Gue tobat dan gue lebih bisa menghargai hidup even kadang masih bisa kumat. Everyone have their own problems. Berat atau engga nya relatif, Yaa apa pun masalahnya sebisa mungkin jangan deh bunuh diri, toh dosanya lu juga yang tanggung. Lu ga terbebas dari masalah lu, lu malah nambahin masalah buat lu sendiri dan orang2 yang lu tinggalin.

People, i just wanna tell you. I do understand, sometimes you just cannot stand it anymore and you wanna give up, but remember! God is here and He has a plan for everything happened in our life. Love yourself, live your life, and God will do the rest!

:)

20th

Today is my birthday, my 20th birthday :) Hari ini gue bertambah satu usia, memasuki kepala dua, memasuki kedewasaan gue dan meninggalkan waktu main main gue. Gue harus bertambah dewasa, dewasa dalam iman, dewasa dalam tindakan tindakan gue, dalam pemikiran dan perasaan gue juga. Sedih loh sebenernya, kaya tanggung jawab, beban hidup lebih berat, tapi yaa that's life. Semakin bertambahnya usia, semakin berat hidup kita, tapi kita juga punya semakin banyak bekal buat menghadapi masalah hidup yang ga ada abisnya :)

Hari ini diawali dengan bbm dari teman teman terbaik gue, dari voice note dan ucapan di facebook. Salah satunya adalah dari dia, orang yg sangat gue harapkan, ternyata dia masih ingat hari ini gue ulang tahun, tapi lucunya, dari semua pesan pesan untuk gue, dia ga mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun, mungkin lupa. Gue nangis, gue sedih, gue tiba tiba keinget apa yang dia lakukan untuk gue tepat setahun yang lalu, sekitar jam yang sama. Dia datang ke rumah gue, di depan kamar gue, tengah malam dari Karawaci, hanya untuk kasih kue, kasih bunga dan buka bagasi mobil yang dihiasi tea candle dengan tulisan I Love You. Kalo gue pikir pikir, dia memang sayang banget sama gue, tapi gue yang dengan sangat bodohnya menyianyiakan dia.

Di hari bahagia gue, gue malah super gloomy, ketiduran sambil nangis dan dengerin lagu emo and ngbrol sama tedjo. Bangun pagi, ada bbrp bbm, facebook greetings dan twitter. Mata gue bengkak dan dada gue sesek. Tapi yaa, kalo kata Dessy, gue harus look forward. Jadi ya gue berusaha move on, kaya ini hari ulang tahun gue, gue harusnya bahagia kok gue malah sedih sih. Gue bangun tidur, beres beres, dan pergi ke Kelapa Gading, melakukan sesuatu urusan dan langsung jemput Michael ke sekolahnya, gue sudah mulai bisa menikmati hari ini, abis itu gue ke Grand Indonesia.

THANK YOU buat Genggong yang uda dateng ke Grand Indonesia, buat celebrate ulang tahun Kitty, padahal abis ujian, padahal masih lagi musim ujian, terus jauh banget lagi dari Karawaci ke GI, macet macet pula belom makan dari pagi, sampe jajan tahu sumedang and gorengan di pinggir jalan, TERIMA KASIH GENGGONG.

Archangela Karina. Gabriella Dhea. Jesslyn Eben. Dessy Wijaya. Gabriella Dhea. Evelyn Sutedja. Marita Tjandra.

I can't thank you enough for surprising me with 5 maquis cake with skittles and chocolate pocky :) I am so thankful to have friends like you. You guys really made my day, thankyou :) Gue yang sebenernya super desperate sama hidup gue, jadi punya semangat hidup lagi karena kalian. Makasih :)

Abis dari GI, gue balik ke rumah, dan ternyata bokap gue beliin gue kue, di rumah uda masak gede2an buat merayakan ulang tahun gue. Seumur umur bokap ga pernah tuh kasih apa apa pas gue birthday, tapi mungkin efek gue ke aussie, dia kangen banget tapi ga bilang, jadi ya begitu, anyway thanks daddy :) Thanks mommy, thanks michael jugaa :)

The thing is, I have a merry little birthday with people who love me surrounds me :D:D:D

Even malam ini, gue mencoba untuk melakukan sesuatu yaitu mengobrol dengan dia, gue mau berusaha look forward dan yauda lah sama yang lalu, karena kalo begini terus, gue cuma semakin membenci dia, gue ga move on, gue stuck. Tapi tenyata setelah ngomong sama dia, sepertinya dia sekarang yang benci gue, tapi gpp sih :) Emang gue nya yang salah, jadi ya gpp, mungkin emang takdir gue ga sejalan sama dia. Kita memang dua orang yang sangat berbeda, dari cara pandang, cara pikir, gaya hidup, agama, standard hidup, jadi yaa gue harus gimana lagi? Kalo ga jodoh mau ngomong apa, gue cuma harus lebih fokus lagi sama hidup gue ke depannya nanti, harus lebih baik lagi, harus lebih dewasa dalam semua semuanya. Thanks, Dimas Prawira Ismail, buat ajarin aku selama 13 bulan lebih ini, mungkin tanpa kamu, aku ga bakal jadi aku yang sekarang. Huge thanks :) semoga kamu cepet cepet punya pacar lagi bahagia juga :D

I'm 20. I'm an adult, no longer a teenager.

I have to change to be a better man.

Thankyou for everyone who takes part of my life :)

Welcome to Jakarta!

gue uda di jakarta, antara senang :) dan sedih :(, antara senang ketemu temen2 lama lagi dan sedih karena ninggalin aussie yang super asik. pulang dari aussie, gue overweight. overweight koper dan overweight berat badan gue yang naik 5kg!

akirnya gue ketemu michael tanggal 23 itu, well he's so happy! so am i :) kaya dia bobo sama gue, makan mandi semua maunya sama gue, mungkin kangen banget kali ya, cicinya ilang 4 bulan gatau kemana, mau dicium gabisa, dipeluk gabisa, suaranya ga ada berhari2, cuma bisa didenger dari skype, gabisa dipegang. yaa memang perasaan anak2 special needs tu lebih peka, lebih touchy.

dan besoknya, gue ke Food Explore 4. ketemu dessy dan karin dan marita pertama. responnya lucu lucu deh hehe, dari dessy yang cuma eh ada kitty sambil ketawa, dari marita yang nepok dari belakang krn gue ga liat dia, terus karina yang bingung super tolol sambil bilang "emang hari ini tgl 4 des?" aaaa kangen botak! haha. terus ketemu cici, yang sambil urusin dagangan makanannya, terus ketem dhea dia depan stage lalu peluk peluk. terus setelah skian lama, tba2 ada eben! duh gila kangennya stengah mati lsg curhat peluk gandengan tangan mau gue nikahin si eben langsung saking kangennya. dan last, ketemu mami valen! asik! kangen bgt langsung jejringkrakan peluk dia super kaget hehe. dan semuanya bilang gue menggendut! haha sial, iya sih, si dhea kesenengan soalnya gue lebih buntet haha.

dan gue bertemu si Dimas. haha kaya i believe awal2 dia pura2 ga liat kata gue peluk2 sama nadia samantha di depan stage, dia lagi urus stage, ga mungkin ga liat tapi yauda, pasti gengsi lah. namanya juga dimas prawira :) kaya terus edwin panggil dimas, tp kaya super awkward mati, kaya dia snyum super awkward, gue juga. terus utk memecahkan suasana, gue blg "muka kamu jerawatan bgt" HAHA super malu sbnrnya gue ngmong gitu, kaya gue gatau mau ngmong apa. kalo gue blg, "spatu kamu baru yaa?" kaya gue tapi aware banget aja sama dia, kaya gamau kliatan aware dan care dong jadi yaa duh super malu loh, trus dia blg dia lg stres trus udah deh.

kaya hmmm, sbnrnya gue sedih sih. kaya gue pgn ngmong lbih banyak, gue kangen bgt. gue pengen peluk dia tapi yaa apa ya? gue harus move on. ga boleh begini lah, tp emg gabisa baik baik lg haha duh gila gue weak bgt yaa? ini aja nulis bgini, gue mau nangis. cuma liat dia aja gue kaya orang gila lagi, gmn nanti gue harus skelas dia lagi nantinya? apa gue harus cari kelas yg ga sama dia yaa? smuanya yang ga sekelas, bodo amat deh. terus, kaya gmn nnti kalo dia punya pcar yaa? gue bisa kaya anak kondo yang loncat dr lantai 8 kemaren kali yaa? :(:(

gue kangen bgt sbnrnya sama aussie, kaya gue kangen hidup gue disana, even baru dua hari gue pulang, tp gue kaya apa yaa? disitu gue ga ada dimas, gue ga kuatir untuk jatuh. i know, cara gue salah, gue lari dari masalah, bukan menyelesaikan masalah itu, tapi :(:( gue gabisa :(

yaa mungkin gue harus keep myself busy all the time aja kali yaa?

Welcome back, Christie :)

14 November 2011

hey! you know what, it should be our 13 months anniversary :D but well i destroyed the relationship almost 7 months ago. i am not sad anymore, i am happy! cause i stop worrying things, and i think i can let my burden go.

today is 14 November, and i texted him happy anniversary, but i didn't feel sad! woohoo! :D:D

it's only 7 more days to celebrating my 7th month freedom!

it's only 9 more days to go home and meet michael!

it's only 10 more days to meet genggong :D

it's only 16 more days to be an adult, to reach my 20th year of my life :)

i can't wait! i am so happy and so excited :D

other hand, i have to leave aussie :( leave my friends here who support me. leave my happy life here :(

but it's okay, i'll be back!



it's 14th November 2011 and I'm happy :)

xoxo :*