Fighting with Myself

It's complicated. Things just happen not in the way I want it to be and it's so damn hard to get over it. Well, I was hurt for several reasons in past two months and I am not ready to get over these undescribable feelings. Yes, I do miss it. I still do love it. I still can remember every little thing, but I can't deny. These peaceful and comfortable memories had gone and the only leftover is hatred. I hate him and he hates me, perfect combination, isn't it?

I try to forgive him for everything he had done and I still can't let him go. Those nightmares are still in my mind, I can't help. I talked to several friends, best friends actually, and I figured out that I need to forgive myself. For two months, I keep on blaming myself for the bad things I had done to him and that makes the reason why he hates me now. I keep saying sorry for my mistakes and I keep apologizing, however things are not the same anymore. 

I have so many counters right now. I don't do things I usually do. For instance, I don't write diary. I don't go to my boarding house and campus anymore, even if I need to. I don't play with Bruu, I let him sit on the corner of my bed. I don't look at pictures of campus life cause it reminds me of you. I stay away from my bestfriends cause I'm afraid to hear your name slipped by their lips. I hate to see Black X-Over or a car with number containing F, 1, 6, and 8, cause it reminds me of your car. I do unfollow his twitter and hide the update status of facebook cause I'm afraid to face the truth that he's moving on and I'm not. I don't go to the places we used to hang out alone cause I'm afraid I'll cry. I don't go to Nike, Aksara, and Bally alone cause I'm afraid that I will get his favorite things and send it to his house. I put away all the photos and other things from him, just not to remember him anymore. I read only novels that can encourage me to move on and let go. I don't watch romantic movies. I don't listen to the songs we used to listen. There are more than things above I can list. 

I am so lost without him and I am so desperately in a huge love trauma. I am fighting with myself, do I need to stay or do I need to leave? But, time have passed and I believe I will be relieved, someday. It just a matter of time and my dream will come true. Yes, someday :):)