I broke my promise last night, I texted him. Gue berasa ga tega aja, after apa yang terjadi sama dia. Gua takut dia masih gatau mau cerita sama siapa and everything. Gue takut dia down tapi dia gabisa ungkapin itu sama yang lain. Dia mau cerita sama siapa coba sih? Gue beranikan diri sms dia kemaren and dia bales! Gue seneng banget, akirnya kita bbm-an, but nothing much, cuma ngomongin soal HMTP aja.
Well, tapi gue tau, ternyata selama ini dia menghargak gue. Dia tau gue gamau komunikasi sama gue and everything jd dia ga cari gue. Dia gamau bkin gue galau buat kepentingan dia sendiri, well gue gatau itu bener apa engga. Gue ga berani percaya, gue takut sebenernya itu cuma suatu excuse, yang sbnrnya dia emang uda lupa sama gue, uda ga peduli sama gue, dan lebih seneng kalo gue ga pernah ada buat dia.
Dia semaleman brb brb mulu and gue sih bodo amat, well gue lagi sibuk mikirin ide kampanye and everything buat Dhea. Buat gue, skg urusan Dhea paling pnting. Gue kaya tidur jam 4 pagi, bukan buat dia, tp buat Dhea. And apa yaa? Gue berasa dia kaya bilang tidur itu penting, suru gue tidur, itu juga bukan karena dia care, tapi karena dia kayaa mau suru gue pergi secara halus. Haha, I know this is so negative thought but I really can't believe if he really cares.
He fell asleep last night and he texted me in the morning, saying that I made him remember the things he want to forget about HMTP and he's in bad mood. I was like, what? I'm so pissed off to be honest but I don't have the right to. I'm crying again, the tears keep on falling and I'm desperate, for hundred times. How can I still feel the same after all these months, after what I have done to him, and after what he has done to me?
What should I do now? Tuhan, andai aku bisa move on. Andai aku bisa ngomong sama dia like normal friends, ya mungkin dia blm bisa maafin for all the things I've done. Yeaa I wish he will, someday, and by the time he's okay with it, I should have moved on and lived happily with myself.
How can I love him, this much? Is it love or the guilty feeling?
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