PMS

I'm on my PMS I guess. I'm so messed up. I've been skipping classes for three days. I've been sleeping so late and crying all night. I don't know what happened to me. I'm just so sensitive.

I have this friend, he's a nice guy but he's so fucking annoying. He asks for advices that he never listens to. He keeps on asking but he doesn't wanna change and he thinks he's the right one. I'm just tired telling him what to do. Lately, I get mad easily to everyone, especially him. And after that, I'm like super bad mood, I can't do anything. I don't fee nice to myself. I hate myself for that moment and I feel sorry for it.

I need to talk to someone I guess, but the thing is, I just can't talk with these people around me. Some care, some don't. Some fake, some true. Some laugh when I cry. Some say I'm loser when I cry. I just can't talk to them, so I'd prefer to keep that to myself and hide in my room. I hope I can talk to Dimas, as always. But the thing is, we have this 4 hours gap and it's so hard to talk to him. By the time he finishes uni, he's tired already and he has other things to do. He has Food Explore meetings, he has friend's birthday dinners, he has Xbox to play, he has Running Man to watch and many other thing that I don't know. And by the time he finishes all those things, it's already morning and I'm so tired.

Okay, he gives me time to talk, but when I finish talking, he leaves. I know we're no longer in a relationship or whatsoever that I can't tell him to do this and that anymore. I'm just so fucked up and I don't know where to talk. I don't know where to run. He came and he went. He came again when I started to leave. I'm like, what should I do now. I really miss those warmth and laughter that we shared, but he can suddenly go away nowhere that I can't find him. And he'l be back soon when I'm about to leave.

I've been thinking that maybe I should give up on Dimas. I should have given him up long time ago but I, myself, who start to fight for him again. I should have known that it would never work out. We will never be together and if we're together, it just won't last. I should have known that and I should have given up. I've been dreaming for these whole months. I've been closing my eyes, closing my ears. I should have listened to what everybody says. Sometimes we can't always get what we want.


It's just so hard for me to move on now. I don't know what he feels right now, I wish I know. I wish he knows what I feel.

I miss you, Dimas. I really do, but it's just not possible for me to tell you all of this. You'll be mad and I'll be doomed.

ILYSM, DP :) Always.